Muddling Through

"Let me die-lest I die-only let me see Thy face." This is the prayer of St. Augustine

"Hide not Thy face from me," he cried in an agony of desire. "Oh! That I might repose on Thee. Oh! That Thou wouldst enter into my heart, and inebriate it, that I may not forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my sole good." St. Augustine

Someday's I find myself with a spirit of irritation just muddling through the mundane. It's not that I don't have multiple blessings to be thankful for and it's not that I'm not thanking my God for those things...it's just one of "those days." I despise these days of dreary loneliness. I know in my mind how gratefulness should be spilling out of my heart, but my heart is feeling heavy. There is a lot going on in our lives and I realize that all of those "things" are in the back burner of my mind and causing most of my stress, but this is not the attitude I want to have.

I read the above text from a book I'm currently reading and I have been chewing on it. What was Augustine saying? He was saying that he wanted to die to himself and take on the fullness of Christ. I too want God to strip away all that is left of "ME" and die on the cross of my flesh. But how?

Jeremy was home for lunch and I ask him to pray with me. He read the following scripture to me, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? Psalm 13:1-2 My heart shall rejoice in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will  sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:4-6"

Even through difficult situations like David found himself in he praised the Lord. I am realizing that when I am below sea level and feel like I'm drowning He is still there, His mercy and grace are still available. All my days aren't going to be rosy and perfect, but joy can still be the anchor in my soul. I can count it all joy and rejoice through the dark days. Paul talked about the prize that we are going to receive at the end of our race....the Victor's Crown. This crown is going to be placed on the head of those who pressed through the mundane, who fought with a tenacious spirit in the fight of their faith, that loved deeply, and praised anyway.

These days are good days even though they are hard days. They remind me that my relationship with Christ is not based on my feelings that change with the tide. My relationship with Him is secure even in the mess and the mire. I have to learn to trust that He is loving me even when outwardly I'm unlovable. He is my rock and my fortress in Him I will trust. I will muddle and press through the mire to win the eternal prize......