I have become a Christian atheist. Yes, you heard me correctly and please don't judge me just yet. It hit me today like a ton of bricks, my lack of faith and trust in our creator. If there is one thing I have never felt I lacked, it is FAITH. I realized recently through struggles and pain I have developed a spirit of fear that has doused my faith.
When my sister was killed 15 years ago my faith was made stronger, I clung to the hem of Jesus's garment, He carried me, I trusted that He was good, He was faithful, He was still in complete control. The past 3 years however, have made me different, not different good, different bad. I trusted in a woman that claimed to be a Christian, I trusted her to chose a child for our family, we gave of ourselves completely to her in many ways. I BELIEVED in her. I believed we would parent a child from Haiti. We prayed for this child. After what I believe was spiritual abuse I became calloused to Christians. That sounds so contradictory, huh? How could I, a Christian doubt Christians and Christianity? It started at first to be a doubt in man. I have witnessed, watched through saddened eyes as Christians have betrayed, hurt, accused, and have continually chose the path of un-forgiveness. These Christians are people that I have trusted and look up to, men that I believe have a close relationship to God, men in prominent positions. They have deeply wounded friends, people I love, and they continue to chose darkness. (the bible clearly states that if you hate your brother you are in the darkness)
I see the broken, the fornicator, the idolater, the homosexual, the drunkard, the abortionist, the wretch, the ones that are JUST.LIKE.YOU and ME. They are thrown away, ignored, treated like they are untouchable, unsavable, unlovable. I watch, I see, and it has changed me.
I have been in a dark place for a long time. I thought it was directed toward my brother's and sister's (sin on my part by the way), but it has become personal between God and I. I have started to have fear and anxiety, believing the lies of the enemy, allowing my thoughts to be held captive, I have LOST my FAITH. Let me clarify right away, I am saved, I love God, I have never stopped loving HIM. My prayer life isn't the same, I don't pray with the fervency that I used to, and my bible reading has become mundane, but I know I am His.
I was praying today, admitting out loud that I don't trust the Lord to protect me anymore, to love me, to cherish me, to answer my prayers, I don't believe that He cares about me anymore. I hurt too bad, I have struggled too much, I have lost a lot. Then it came to me I am believing......I am believing the enemy. This scripture came to my mind and out of my mouth, "Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I have allowed my thought life to become dark, negative, unfaithful, unbelieving, irritated, cynical, and UGLY. I have not been thinking on what is good, my beautiful Christian husband, 3 beautiful children, a comfortable home, a job I love, friends, family, and a GOD who LOVES me so much that HE draws me in and washes me. OH, what a perfect friend HE is.
I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone today that is struggling with fear and unbelief. Our feelings, the actions of others, our lack of faith will never change God.
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