The Last Patch.....A Story of God's Grace and Redemption.

It is time for my blog to come to a close. It was started with visions of a sweet baby from Haiti, and my how things have changed. I cannot walk away from this journal without documenting the faithfulness of Jesus and His never-ending love for me. I also want to acknowledge some of the people that have been with me throughout this journey.

Our testimony is one of miracles, hard roads, fear, love, submission, belief, unbelief, and mostly trudging in the flesh while trying to walk in the spirit. In 2008 as most of you know Jeremy and I chose to permanently close my womb. In 2009 we were convicted of doing so and scheduled an appointment to correct our wrong. God, however, had another plan for our family.....adoption. In 2010 a little boy would be born across the ocean in Korea. We would bring him home to our family in 15 months. In 2012 we would begin the process again, this time from Haiti. After horrific events we found that we were involved in a scam. You can read here: www.speakoutaboutgivinghoperescuemission.blogspot.com Coming home from Haiti in October of 2013 I was so broken, so deflated, torn, grieving the loss of our daughter. I was in a dark place full of doubt. In November after much prayer and preparation Jeremy flew to Oklahoma and had our wrong corrected. We felt that it was time, although, I am 40 and the odds of us conceiving a child were low.

For 16 months I struggled with desiring a child. God was allowing me to experience what having a barren womb was. I was acquainted with many women in the bible, begging God for a child. I could not trust, rest, understand why so many doors closed. We love children and have come to see each one as a blessing from the hand of God. During this time I had many women that I confided in. The women that walked with me through the mess in Haiti, my closest friends, and some women that are internet friends that I don't even know. These women, their love, their support, and mostly prayers helped me during this time. Frankly, I don't know how I would have made it the past 3 years without them. I was having a hard time submitting to God in this and understanding his will for our family.

I finally gave up on Jeremy and I conceiving a child and came to believe that we were simply to obey. So, on March 16 we mailed off our application to adopt from China. I was so excited! I had been constantly pouring over the waiting list. God was finally answering my prayers. Jeremy had conceded after saying he couldn't go through another adoption. The prayers and struggle was unseen. I had been battling with what to do, what route to go (domestic/international), or to simply give up. God had different plans for us, but I was impatient. On March 19, 2015, 3 days after we mailed our application in we found out we are PREGNANT!

I had my first doctor's appointment this past Monday. We watched in awe as our little miracle bounced around on the screen.

I have deleted my Facebook account and after today will not be blogging. I feel this time in our lives is sacred, holy, precious, and private. I want to ponder every moment in my heart and praise Jesus in the quite of the day for the gift of life that grows in my womb.

I am sharing this testimony in praise to God. I want every person that reads this to know that God is ultimately in control. He knows the next moment, the next trial, the next blessing, the eternal path that we are on. He is my life and my LOVE. I am so thankful for the people that He has placed in my path, the ones that have sown into my life, to YOU.....thank you!

Each patch that has been stitched onto our family quilt has been needful. Everything our family has walked through and will walk through is for our good. We are slowly being conformed into the image of Christ, and all of this, ALL of it is HIS will, and is for a purpose.

Goodbye readers.......be blessed and rejoice in the Lord....again I say rejoice!

A Euglogy of Love Written to My Father.

    

     My daddy will be celebrating his birthday in two days. I have been thinking about writing this blog post for him for months. When I lived in Cleveland I attended a Baptist church there. Some of the ladies would use a term, "I'm giving them flowers." The purpose behind this was to speak love into someone's life while they are here and not wait until they are gone. I am writing a eulogy to my daddy today in honor of his birthday to celebrate another moment with him on this earth.

     Dear Daddy,

     I am writing this to you so that you can know how very much I love you. Memories from my childhood resurface as I type these black words on a blank page. You were my rock and my strength through those days. I remember so vividly your strong hands. They were so big and strong yet so gentle. I was never whipped by those hands, only held. I still love your hands. They are weary, feeble, bent, and painful, but I still feel safe when I'm holding your hand. Your hands to me are a reflection of your heart. Strong, gentle, loving, and giving even though you are broken.

      I love you because of the love and kindness that you show others. Never judging, condemning, always accepting. Even when I start to say something I shouldn't I hear, "now Kimber, you shouldn't judge." I'm laughing now thinking about how you say that I'm not to old to spank. My friends are your children, you make everyone feel that way; welcomed, cherished, and loved.


     I have watched as you and Becky have experienced the greatest loss a family can face. You have walked through that with dignity and grace. Your body wracked by the stress of it all, and still your soul is at peace. I watch as you trust our Father God in this. Teaching me how to believe and follow.

     Are you perfect? NO! You are stubborn, competitive, and have to bid 139 when we play Rook (I will forgive you), but you are good. You are a good daddy that has loved me well.

     I look back over the past two years with anguish and praise. I think back to the hospital stays, the heart attacks, being ask if we want you resuscitated. I look at how God has used you and your near death experiences to touch the doctors and nurses revealing to them who the GREAT PHYSICIAN is. I have truly believed on more than one occasion that it would be our last word spoken, our last time to hold hands, the last of, "I love you." I praise God that He has granted us just one more day.

     Thank you daddy for being an example, a light, and a strong tower for me. I pray that as I give you these flowers today that you will feel loved and cherished. God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and may your days be long on the earth.

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

Bind Me With Your Fetter Lord.

Fetter- a chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically placed around the ankles.

Lyrics to Come thou Fount of Every Blessing:

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

     While listening to this song I started to think about the word fetter. We are so prone to wander, wander away from the ONE that loves us so, blinded by the world and its problems.

     I had some friends over recently. We went around the room and stated what strengths each of us possessed, mine was transparency. Unfortunately, I have been a fraud for a few years now, hiding from truth and transparency, afraid of being vulnerable again, afraid to expose myself and my feelings to the readers of this blog. I started this blog to record our adoption from Haiti. That is where my heart began to wander. Through the lies and deception of one woman, my heart has slowly turned away from my SOURCE of strength, the life giver, and life sustainer. I am writing today to expose the enemy, to step out of the darkness of doubt and fear, to show you that if you wander God is there to bind you with the fetter of His goodness and love.

     I have always wanted God to use my life for His glory, to use my testimony to draw others to Jesus, and I have always desired to be in obedience to Him. When Jeremy and I stepped out in faith to adopt from Haiti, we were excited, so full of expectation and JOY. I knew that we were in complete obedience to our Father. We knew this was the path for our family. I still know that this was God's plan. It was His plan for me to expose evil, lies and deception. It was His will for the little girl we had grown to love as our own to find her way back HOME. I understand all of that in my head, but my HEART did not understand.

     Walking through such deception, being led astray by someone that I looked up to made me jaded, hardened and calloused. It was slow. At first I felt like a lion. I, and 11 other strong women were making a difference, we were being used by God, and it felt empowering.  I was walking so close with the Lord during that time. He was carrying me. After returning home however, I still desired another child. There are private issues that I will not disclose, but through circumstances we have continued to be infertile. No child in my womb, no child through adoption. I started to feel forgotten, I started to doubt that God had really called our family. It feels so personal when you desire a child and God says NO. I have tried to give this to Him, let it go, enjoy and praise Him for the 3 perfect gifts that He has given me, but DOUBT became my friend.

     Doubt replaced my faith. Something I have never lacked is faith. I have always trusted God and His will for our lives. But this, this rocked me to the core, shaking my faith, rattling my soul. Adoption was no longer my heart, I have feared the process, I have be let down over and over. Heart broken--sadness and pain my new confidant.

     I have held onto this pain, keeping it hidden, not wanting anyone to see my weakness. That is what we do isn't it? When we are "Christians" we are supposed to be strong. But in my weakness, it is HE that IS strong. I realized this morning that my healing comes through confession. Saying to the world and to my enemy that I will BELIEVE. I will trust again that in God's NO He is good and in His YES He is good.

     I am blessed to be a MOM, a wife, a friend, a daughter.......I am BLESSED to be chosen. Chosen by God to suffer, to hope, to live, to die, to give, to grieve, to W.A.L.K this path that God has laid out before me. Today I choose to be a restrained prisoner of JESUS. I am choosing this day to allow God's goodness in ALL things to be my FETTER.