Bind Me With Your Fetter Lord.

Fetter- a chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically placed around the ankles.

Lyrics to Come thou Fount of Every Blessing:

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

     While listening to this song I started to think about the word fetter. We are so prone to wander, wander away from the ONE that loves us so, blinded by the world and its problems.

     I had some friends over recently. We went around the room and stated what strengths each of us possessed, mine was transparency. Unfortunately, I have been a fraud for a few years now, hiding from truth and transparency, afraid of being vulnerable again, afraid to expose myself and my feelings to the readers of this blog. I started this blog to record our adoption from Haiti. That is where my heart began to wander. Through the lies and deception of one woman, my heart has slowly turned away from my SOURCE of strength, the life giver, and life sustainer. I am writing today to expose the enemy, to step out of the darkness of doubt and fear, to show you that if you wander God is there to bind you with the fetter of His goodness and love.

     I have always wanted God to use my life for His glory, to use my testimony to draw others to Jesus, and I have always desired to be in obedience to Him. When Jeremy and I stepped out in faith to adopt from Haiti, we were excited, so full of expectation and JOY. I knew that we were in complete obedience to our Father. We knew this was the path for our family. I still know that this was God's plan. It was His plan for me to expose evil, lies and deception. It was His will for the little girl we had grown to love as our own to find her way back HOME. I understand all of that in my head, but my HEART did not understand.

     Walking through such deception, being led astray by someone that I looked up to made me jaded, hardened and calloused. It was slow. At first I felt like a lion. I, and 11 other strong women were making a difference, we were being used by God, and it felt empowering.  I was walking so close with the Lord during that time. He was carrying me. After returning home however, I still desired another child. There are private issues that I will not disclose, but through circumstances we have continued to be infertile. No child in my womb, no child through adoption. I started to feel forgotten, I started to doubt that God had really called our family. It feels so personal when you desire a child and God says NO. I have tried to give this to Him, let it go, enjoy and praise Him for the 3 perfect gifts that He has given me, but DOUBT became my friend.

     Doubt replaced my faith. Something I have never lacked is faith. I have always trusted God and His will for our lives. But this, this rocked me to the core, shaking my faith, rattling my soul. Adoption was no longer my heart, I have feared the process, I have be let down over and over. Heart broken--sadness and pain my new confidant.

     I have held onto this pain, keeping it hidden, not wanting anyone to see my weakness. That is what we do isn't it? When we are "Christians" we are supposed to be strong. But in my weakness, it is HE that IS strong. I realized this morning that my healing comes through confession. Saying to the world and to my enemy that I will BELIEVE. I will trust again that in God's NO He is good and in His YES He is good.

     I am blessed to be a MOM, a wife, a friend, a daughter.......I am BLESSED to be chosen. Chosen by God to suffer, to hope, to live, to die, to give, to grieve, to W.A.L.K this path that God has laid out before me. Today I choose to be a restrained prisoner of JESUS. I am choosing this day to allow God's goodness in ALL things to be my FETTER.