This time of year always brings conflict in my head. I struggle with the excess of it all, while trying to enjoy the sweetness of it. I want to think on my Savior, but I get caught up in the stuff. I love watching the kids open gifts with eyes full of wonder and I cry because there are kids that have no wonder.
The media sites have made it so that we see and hear the conflicts that are taking place immediately. This too consumes our minds and hearts. We as Christians struggle to determine how to handle sin and the worldly. We live here on this sphere, ever turning, ever so small in comparison to the great galaxy that our God created, we live. Others are suffering, dying, gasping for their very breath, while we fight over words and homosexuality.
All of this has me thinking about the Babe, the One that was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a filthy manger. I have been reading and looking for Him this year. Where is He in our conversations, where is He when we are battling with right and wrong, where is He in the obscene amount of gifts around the tree? The Babe, the Christ, the King, that came for you and for me, a chosen vessel to die for our sin on a tree. How does His heart ache for us, the ones He came for?
How it must hurt Him to see us consumed with the consumable, the things of this world that are perishing even now. How He looks and sees the money that we spend on the frivolous, all the while the poor are suffering. Don't get me wrong and don't judge my words, I am with you. I enjoy what He has so graciously blessed me with. Solomon urged us to enjoy what God has given us, to enjoy what we work for. That is not what I am saying. I'm saying how does it feel to be the God of the universe come down as a Babe, a squalling infant, birthed from a human womb, born to a carpenter, no one in your own hometown receiving you? To be HIM and see us in our sin, choosing to stay here, in the mire, and filth of our humanness. Saying we LOVE, throwing around that word like a band aid that heals all wounds. We say we LOVE, but do we show our LOVE?
I think on Him and His life here. How He came in the lowest estate, G-O-D came as a Babe. He could have came robed in fine garments, a kingly robe, a crown, but He came as a baby. A young girl no doubt scared as her contractions came, her womb tightening around our Savior, the baby descending into her pelvis for birth. CHRIST birthed......
He grew into a man, our Christ, our Lord. He sat and ate with the vilest sinners in town. He didn't have to argue sin, His light and His words brought conviction. They came and found HIM, the dirty, the drunk, the whore, the bleeding, they found the BABE. He SAVES the wretch. No matter your sin, whether it be fornication, adultery, drunkenness, homosexuality, lust, gluttony, lying, pornography, cutting, pride, hatred, He SAVES.
We "celebrate" His birth on a day, we call it Christmas. We prepare for months, buying gifts, wrapping them, baking cookies, elves on the shelves, reindeer food, tinsel, and balls, but what if we truly looked for the Babe and found Him in the chaos? What if we took the time to sit with sinners? What would happen to Christianity if we looked like the BABE? If we stopped caring about our appearance, what we have, what we don't have, and we GAVE the gift of CHRIST. If our light shown like the Christmas star, what would happen? Our kindness leading sinners to repentance.
We have received the greatest GIFT in the BABE. It is so cliché to say that He is a gift, but where would you be without the giving? I would be lost, depressed, wallowing in self pity, a sinner girl dead.
The Babe called me by name, He drew me unto Himself, and He washed me. Those who knew me before can testify to the change. This didn't not happen because of me. I am not good, I am not kind, I am not clean. I want to illuminate the manger this year with the promise of grace and truth.
This Christmas I pray that you seek the Babe, that you look, and find HIM. I pray that you will stop for a moment and thank Him for coming. Bow before our Lord and give HIM praise. I hope that we all can determine in our hearts a balance in this world. Balance the spiritual while living in this realm. Be kind and generous to others. We are here to be like Him, the Babe, the KING, the glorious LORD of all.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
The End of Our Adoption Story.........
October 21, 2013
It has been 8 days since my plane touched down on American soil. For 8 days I have been toiling. Wondering how I will write this post. I feel a need to please everyone. We have had complaints of our Speak Out blog being too emotional, too harsh, too demeaning, so I decided to post here. I have tried to think of how I would write this chapter without emotion. I have found that this is an impossible task. This journey has been wrought with emotion; ups and downs, hills and valleys. I can't tell this story without emotion, without the fear, the dread, the utter sadness of it all. So please, reader, bear with me as I try to articulate the pain and the beauty of our story.
On October 7, 2013, I set out on a mission: a mission to find the truth, a mission to find a daughter. I flew into Haiti after weeks of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the “what ifs.” I arrived, and I felt it; that feeling that I feel in Haiti, the connection to a people. I smelled the fragrance of burning coals, heard the bustling in the streets and saw the people, the people that I have grown to love. This mission was burned into my heart. I could not let a lie keep me from the truth.
On August 13, 2013, we received a letter from Voice of the Orphan stating that R's mom had revoked her consent to adopt. See my blog post here. On September 12, 2013, we received the following fake revocation of adoption from Voice of The Orphan. This fake document would be my grace from God. I had been begging for months for information in regards to R's history and birth parents, but I had never received any of the information. This document led me to her: to the woman who held R in her womb.
On October 7, 2013, I set out on a mission: a mission to find the truth, a mission to find a daughter. I flew into Haiti after weeks of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the “what ifs.” I arrived, and I felt it; that feeling that I feel in Haiti, the connection to a people. I smelled the fragrance of burning coals, heard the bustling in the streets and saw the people, the people that I have grown to love. This mission was burned into my heart. I could not let a lie keep me from the truth.
On August 13, 2013, we received a letter from Voice of the Orphan stating that R's mom had revoked her consent to adopt. See my blog post here. On September 12, 2013, we received the following fake revocation of adoption from Voice of The Orphan. This fake document would be my grace from God. I had been begging for months for information in regards to R's history and birth parents, but I had never received any of the information. This document led me to her: to the woman who held R in her womb.
(Fake Revocation Of Consent to Adopt. R's mother never appeared in court and she never revoked her consent to adopt.)
I have often thought of her. What is she like? Is she good? Where does she live? Where was R born? I had booked the trip to Haiti determined to find her, and to find out the answers to my questions. Just days before I traveled, someone found her. They found her living in extreme poverty. This person told her that I was requesting to meet with her to discuss the legality of the adoption as well as R's future, and she agreed.
This mother, showing great resilience, borrowed money from neighbors, took a taxi to the crèche, and waited for over 3 hours as they retrieved her daughter. Heather Elyse had been hiding R in her personal home, but she was now with a woman they call Madame Pastor's Wife. I assume Heather had to hide her to keep up the lie she had told (that R's mom had taken her back). G (R's mom) then walked to a secret location where a van waited to bring her to me.
I was so nervous and prayed continually throughout the morning. I was doubting she would come, and I couldn't believe that she would bring R. She made a 1 1/2 hour trip to Port au Prince to meet with me. I walked to meet her at the gate. There she was, beautiful, just as I had imagined. She was holding R. R smiled the biggest smile and hugged me tight. They came and sat with us for hours. During this time my heart was broken. I watched as a little girl I have loved from afar love her mommy. She clung to her. They smiled at each other. They LOVE each other.
I asked all the questions I had prepared. Did she understand adoption? Did she want me to parent R? Did she know that she wouldn't see her again? Her answers astounded me. She had no idea what adoption was. She thought I would bring R frequently to see her. She asked me to buy her a phone so she could call her every week. She didn't understand that R would lose her language within 6 months of coming to America. She was looking for someone to feed and clothe her daughter, she wasn't looking for another family for her.
It was time to leave. R gave me two big kisses on the lips, we sang Jesus loves me, and our ABC's. I got into the car and wept. I saw R as G's daughter. She is not mine. God formed her in the womb of a poor mother in Haiti. Poverty does not an orphan make. G wants her daughter! G sent R with another biological mom that we have since found out was being paid to find kids for the creche. G couldn't feed her daughter. She is 26 years old with 3 other children and no job: she had no means to support another child. She is a strong, healthy woman, but mostly she is a mom.
R is now with her mom. Reunited with the woman that birthed her into this world. I am home. I go into the room that was prepared for her, I see the excess of clothes, the new bunk beds for her and her big sissy...but it's not enough. Our love, our wealth, it is not enough to take her from her mom, from her home, from her culture.
I thought I would be saving an impoverished little girl, but through this, she has saved me. She has saved me from thinking that somehow our family is better, that somehow being here would lead her to Jesus. She has taught me the truth of God's providence. He can use her in Haiti. Her mother, with help, can be empowered to take care of HER children. I can support them from afar, I can LOVE her still.
Love is what this is. Love is caring for a woman and her 4 children. Love is not selfish and doing what makes me and my family FEEL good. Love is sacrifice.
This mother, showing great resilience, borrowed money from neighbors, took a taxi to the crèche, and waited for over 3 hours as they retrieved her daughter. Heather Elyse had been hiding R in her personal home, but she was now with a woman they call Madame Pastor's Wife. I assume Heather had to hide her to keep up the lie she had told (that R's mom had taken her back). G (R's mom) then walked to a secret location where a van waited to bring her to me.
I was so nervous and prayed continually throughout the morning. I was doubting she would come, and I couldn't believe that she would bring R. She made a 1 1/2 hour trip to Port au Prince to meet with me. I walked to meet her at the gate. There she was, beautiful, just as I had imagined. She was holding R. R smiled the biggest smile and hugged me tight. They came and sat with us for hours. During this time my heart was broken. I watched as a little girl I have loved from afar love her mommy. She clung to her. They smiled at each other. They LOVE each other.
I asked all the questions I had prepared. Did she understand adoption? Did she want me to parent R? Did she know that she wouldn't see her again? Her answers astounded me. She had no idea what adoption was. She thought I would bring R frequently to see her. She asked me to buy her a phone so she could call her every week. She didn't understand that R would lose her language within 6 months of coming to America. She was looking for someone to feed and clothe her daughter, she wasn't looking for another family for her.
It was time to leave. R gave me two big kisses on the lips, we sang Jesus loves me, and our ABC's. I got into the car and wept. I saw R as G's daughter. She is not mine. God formed her in the womb of a poor mother in Haiti. Poverty does not an orphan make. G wants her daughter! G sent R with another biological mom that we have since found out was being paid to find kids for the creche. G couldn't feed her daughter. She is 26 years old with 3 other children and no job: she had no means to support another child. She is a strong, healthy woman, but mostly she is a mom.
R is now with her mom. Reunited with the woman that birthed her into this world. I am home. I go into the room that was prepared for her, I see the excess of clothes, the new bunk beds for her and her big sissy...but it's not enough. Our love, our wealth, it is not enough to take her from her mom, from her home, from her culture.
I thought I would be saving an impoverished little girl, but through this, she has saved me. She has saved me from thinking that somehow our family is better, that somehow being here would lead her to Jesus. She has taught me the truth of God's providence. He can use her in Haiti. Her mother, with help, can be empowered to take care of HER children. I can support them from afar, I can LOVE her still.
Love is what this is. Love is caring for a woman and her 4 children. Love is not selfish and doing what makes me and my family FEEL good. Love is sacrifice.
Out of our family's tragedy came restoration. Out of our loss came great gain. Out of the lies and deception, hope was born. If you want to help support moms like G, if you want to empower them to keep their children, if you want to not only say, “be warm and filled,” but you want to warm and fill a family, go to:
Empowering Haitian Moms
P.O. Box 4142
Chesterfield MO 63006
Or Paypal at empoweringhaitainmoms@gmail.com
P.O. Box 4142
Chesterfield MO 63006
Or Paypal at empoweringhaitainmoms@gmail.com
Please write “Restoration” in the memo.
All donations are tax deductible.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
God Still Sends a Rainbow......
For those of you that have followed or read my blog I'm sure you noticed the shift. My blog started out as a journal. I wanted to have every detail written down in regards to our adoption. The shift came and I started writing about facing giants and fighting a good fight. Since last November I have known something wasn't right with our agency. I knew then that God was calling me to do VERY hard things. He has raised me and many others up to be a voice for the fatherless.
You can continue this journey with me and the other families at: Speaking Out
Please continue to pray for sweet Rebekah. I have no idea where she is, but I know God is protecting her and watching her. We serve a great BIG God who SEES and knows everything. I trust Him and He is always sending me rainbows as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.
You can continue this journey with me and the other families at: Speaking Out
Please continue to pray for sweet Rebekah. I have no idea where she is, but I know God is protecting her and watching her. We serve a great BIG God who SEES and knows everything. I trust Him and He is always sending me rainbows as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Facing A Giant
We all have heard the story of a little shepherd boy that defeated the giant with a stone and a sling. We have looked through picture books depicting David as a small, fragile, and weak looking boy.
I was crying out to the Lord about a certain situation I am currently in. I was asking Him how in the world could I face such a giant. He spoke and reminded me of David. A shepherd boy tending his flock, a boy that was dearly loved by his God. He was spoke of in Samuel 16:18 as, "a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him." David is described as, "ruddy, with beautiful eyes, and he was handsome." Something else we know about David was his musical talent and ability. So here we have a handsome young man out in the fields tending his sheep all the while humming a tune. I wonder if it was there God was preparing David? As David gently led his sheep. As he took his shepherd's hook and tenderly led one back to the fold. As he sang praises to God and made melody in his heart. Was it then that God was rising up a warrior? Did David know when he was single handedly slaying bears and lions for the sake of his sheep that this was a sharpening of his skills for war?
David was ready only because of his trust and faith in a holy God. He knew who it was that protected him and gave him strength. David said in 1 Samuel 17:37, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." He trusted in the Lord so much that he took off the warriors armor and took up five stones. Can you imagine running toward a 9-10 foot giant with a rock? David trusted God.
I look at my own life and I wonder. I wonder if the trials that I have faced have prepared me for this battle? As the Lord looks upon me does He see a faithful servant, a warrior ready to fight?
He is worthy of this battle and I'm trusting Him to defeat my enemy. The Lord will prevail and I will give Him praise. It looks as if the enemy will win. Just like goliath my foe is a giant, powerful, and full of deceit. A liar that cloaks themselves in religious jargon and eloquent speech. There has to be a preparation time before we approach our enemy, we have to know their weapons. satan disguises himself as an angel of light, he is cunning, crafty, and sneaks in unnoticed. If it were possible he could deceive the elect of God. That is my enemies weapons of warfare looking so much like me they don't appear to be the enemy.
I am praying that God will prepare my heart, my soul, and my spirit for this battle. I am fighting it for HIM.....For His honor....And to bring Him glory.
I was crying out to the Lord about a certain situation I am currently in. I was asking Him how in the world could I face such a giant. He spoke and reminded me of David. A shepherd boy tending his flock, a boy that was dearly loved by his God. He was spoke of in Samuel 16:18 as, "a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him." David is described as, "ruddy, with beautiful eyes, and he was handsome." Something else we know about David was his musical talent and ability. So here we have a handsome young man out in the fields tending his sheep all the while humming a tune. I wonder if it was there God was preparing David? As David gently led his sheep. As he took his shepherd's hook and tenderly led one back to the fold. As he sang praises to God and made melody in his heart. Was it then that God was rising up a warrior? Did David know when he was single handedly slaying bears and lions for the sake of his sheep that this was a sharpening of his skills for war?
David was ready only because of his trust and faith in a holy God. He knew who it was that protected him and gave him strength. David said in 1 Samuel 17:37, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." He trusted in the Lord so much that he took off the warriors armor and took up five stones. Can you imagine running toward a 9-10 foot giant with a rock? David trusted God.
I look at my own life and I wonder. I wonder if the trials that I have faced have prepared me for this battle? As the Lord looks upon me does He see a faithful servant, a warrior ready to fight?
He is worthy of this battle and I'm trusting Him to defeat my enemy. The Lord will prevail and I will give Him praise. It looks as if the enemy will win. Just like goliath my foe is a giant, powerful, and full of deceit. A liar that cloaks themselves in religious jargon and eloquent speech. There has to be a preparation time before we approach our enemy, we have to know their weapons. satan disguises himself as an angel of light, he is cunning, crafty, and sneaks in unnoticed. If it were possible he could deceive the elect of God. That is my enemies weapons of warfare looking so much like me they don't appear to be the enemy.
I am praying that God will prepare my heart, my soul, and my spirit for this battle. I am fighting it for HIM.....For His honor....And to bring Him glory.
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Brave Little Tailor
When our daughter auditioned for the play, "The Brave Little Tailor" little did I know it would change me.
A play, a childrens play, little kids reciting words learned, changed me. Through the plot, the courage and bravery of the Little Tailor, but mostly through a little boy. A little boy named Mark Kelly.
Mark Kelly has cancer. I have watched for weeks as he comes into play practice so eager to perform. His body is enduring chemotherapy, he has lost his hair, his skin is peeling, and he has blisters on his body. Lily tells me, "Mom if Mark Kelly has to vomit during the play we act it out like he always disappears."
I have watched this little boy run the race with endurance. No complaints, no negative words, just a little boy excited to play a part.
Mark Kelly has unknowingly taught me how to continue my race on this earth with joy, peace, and contentment.
It is no coincidence that he plays the part of the Brave Little Tailor. The story is one of bravery and courage. The Tailor is commissioned to save the princess from the EVIL giants.
I am currently fighting my own giants. I too am trying to save a little princess from the EVIL giants.
Mark Kelly has given me an example. Through this little boy God has shown me how good will triumph evil. How although he is physically suffering, his body hurting, his spirit is still soaring. He is battling out his faith on this earth. To us, to our human mind his suffering seems like a curse from God. We ask why? Why would God allow a little boy to suffer? I am one of the reasons. Through his suffering I am encouraged. There is a prize for our faith. As we run this race with Christ, He is faithful to help us finish it, and at the end He will crown us.
To you Mark Kelly....Thank you! Thank you for your bravery.....it is unmatched.......
A play, a childrens play, little kids reciting words learned, changed me. Through the plot, the courage and bravery of the Little Tailor, but mostly through a little boy. A little boy named Mark Kelly.
Mark Kelly has cancer. I have watched for weeks as he comes into play practice so eager to perform. His body is enduring chemotherapy, he has lost his hair, his skin is peeling, and he has blisters on his body. Lily tells me, "Mom if Mark Kelly has to vomit during the play we act it out like he always disappears."
I have watched this little boy run the race with endurance. No complaints, no negative words, just a little boy excited to play a part.
Mark Kelly has unknowingly taught me how to continue my race on this earth with joy, peace, and contentment.
It is no coincidence that he plays the part of the Brave Little Tailor. The story is one of bravery and courage. The Tailor is commissioned to save the princess from the EVIL giants.
I am currently fighting my own giants. I too am trying to save a little princess from the EVIL giants.
Mark Kelly has given me an example. Through this little boy God has shown me how good will triumph evil. How although he is physically suffering, his body hurting, his spirit is still soaring. He is battling out his faith on this earth. To us, to our human mind his suffering seems like a curse from God. We ask why? Why would God allow a little boy to suffer? I am one of the reasons. Through his suffering I am encouraged. There is a prize for our faith. As we run this race with Christ, He is faithful to help us finish it, and at the end He will crown us.
To you Mark Kelly....Thank you! Thank you for your bravery.....it is unmatched.......
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET REBEKAH
It has been 15 long months since we slipped these shoes on our princess Rebekah.
Got all of this paperwork to Haiti to start the process to make her our.......
We are have been devoted to prayer and diligent to pray her home.
Today she is turning 4.
Without her FAMILY, cake, ice cream, the happy birthday songs, and presents galore.
This beautiful girl, full of life, personality, giggles, and smiles.
Is in a faraway land waiting for us to bring her home.
Longing for the Lord to perform the miraculous. Holding tight to the hem of my saviours garment as I rest in His plan for our lives. Longing to hold a girl that when ask in Kreole this Febuary who I was replied, "This is my mama!" The little girl that begged to go with me when I had to leave her behind. Listening as Lily and Sam pray EVERYDAY without fail, "Dear Jesus, Please bring Rebekah home soon."
Decorating a room for her. Picking bedding with a dollhouse and making sure it had a brown girl on it. Bunk Beds, a closet full of clothes, thoughts, and dreams of the added laughter in our house. Another little helper in the kitchen, snuggles, kissing ochies, and making everything ALL better.
Please help me pray for our birthday girl today! Pray for her safety, pray for a quick homecoming, pray a special birthday blessing for her, and pray for her to know how VERY much she is
LOVED!
Friday, July 5, 2013
The Pearl Of GREAT price.
I am currently walking through a vast field of HARD. I can't go into everything my family and I are facing, but you all know about my dad. There is so much more, so complex, so deep, so difficult. I have news though, good news the Lord is with me. He is leading me and He is teaching me what true peace that passes understanding really is. I can say I now know how Paul counted it ALL joy.
God has been speaking to me throughout the day today. He has been bringing His perfect word to my mind. That is why it is so important to hide it in our hearts. He says to me, "I will go before you! I will fight for you! I love you with an everlasting love! I make your paths straight! I will NEVER leave or forsake you!" His word is a healing balm to my soul.
I ask my family to come together in the floor to cry out to the Lord. What I found in my prayer was only praise. Praise for the pearl of GREAT price. "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45 My name is written in the Lamb's book of life! I have a treasure hidden that some men can't even understand. This world will always be hard. Bad things will happen to good people. Evil looks as if it will prevail. The kids and I were just studying that fact this morning. I know a secret though found in the word of God. He wins! It is won! It is finished!
Jesus is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit and truth. Truth is light and light is truth. Light dispels the darkness and the darkness can't hide. The truth is He died, rose, and is seated at the right hand of my All Mighty Father making intercession for me. I may struggle, I may hurt, I may feel like my heart is breaking, but God is working in me and through me to accomplish His will.
Standing for truth, standing in belief that I have a pearl that was purchased by the blood of my Saviour. He is worth losing everything for. He says if I'm not willing to leave it all I'm not worthy of Him.
What are you holding on to? What has you bound to this world? What keeps you from looking toward your heavenly inheritance?
I say to you seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added to you. What things? Peace, joy, comfort, peace, joy, comfort, rest, and more peace.
I praise you Jesus for loving me, for sending the Holy Spirit to comfort me, for preparing a kingdom for me, a place of complete rest.
I want to shout HALLELUJAH! Praise you LORD!
God has been speaking to me throughout the day today. He has been bringing His perfect word to my mind. That is why it is so important to hide it in our hearts. He says to me, "I will go before you! I will fight for you! I love you with an everlasting love! I make your paths straight! I will NEVER leave or forsake you!" His word is a healing balm to my soul.
I ask my family to come together in the floor to cry out to the Lord. What I found in my prayer was only praise. Praise for the pearl of GREAT price. "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45 My name is written in the Lamb's book of life! I have a treasure hidden that some men can't even understand. This world will always be hard. Bad things will happen to good people. Evil looks as if it will prevail. The kids and I were just studying that fact this morning. I know a secret though found in the word of God. He wins! It is won! It is finished!
Jesus is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit and truth. Truth is light and light is truth. Light dispels the darkness and the darkness can't hide. The truth is He died, rose, and is seated at the right hand of my All Mighty Father making intercession for me. I may struggle, I may hurt, I may feel like my heart is breaking, but God is working in me and through me to accomplish His will.
Standing for truth, standing in belief that I have a pearl that was purchased by the blood of my Saviour. He is worth losing everything for. He says if I'm not willing to leave it all I'm not worthy of Him.
What are you holding on to? What has you bound to this world? What keeps you from looking toward your heavenly inheritance?
I say to you seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added to you. What things? Peace, joy, comfort, peace, joy, comfort, rest, and more peace.
I praise you Jesus for loving me, for sending the Holy Spirit to comfort me, for preparing a kingdom for me, a place of complete rest.
I want to shout HALLELUJAH! Praise you LORD!
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