BARRENESS

bar·ren

/ˈbærən/ Show Spelled 

adjective 

 

1. not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.

 

2. unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.

 

3. without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.

 

4. mentally unproductive; dull; stupid. 

 

5. not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.

 

 

 

 

If you have never struggled with infertility you may not be able to relate to what women like myself are currently walking through. There is a passion that God has given us as women, a passion to conceive and carry a child in our wombs. It is something that can overtake you. I realized that many women in the bible struggled with barrenness. I have recently been intrigued.

As I was praying and meditating on the word barrenness I decided to look it up. I found the definition listed above and I thought to myself, "that is it!" It explained the state of our country, the state of the church, the state of us as Christians....WE are barren.

God has allowed my husband and I to meet many Christians, in many different seasons of their faith, at many different places in their doctorial beliefs. What we have noticed is how everyone has their own personal bias based on their presuppositions, their history in the church, their circumstances and life experiences. What I am noticing is a lack of fruit in the lives of Christians like myself because we are stuck in our personal views of scripture. 

How can we all be reading the same bible yet come to such different conclusions? Some believing in the complete sovereignty of God, some leaning more into a man's choice, some wearing skirts, some believing that one day is more holy to worship, some viewing the new testament Jesus as a flip flop wearing, forgiver of all, even if you don't ask kind of God. 

I have been pondering, deep in thought, observing, listening, watching, hearing, and taking all of it in. What I have seen, heard, and experienced is a state of barrenness. 


I wonder what would happen if instead of increasing in our own knowledge, we sought the wisdom and knowledge of God? (Philippians 1:9-11Philippians 1:9-11King James Version (KJV)
⁹ And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;
¹⁰ That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.
¹¹ Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.) What if being right took a back seat to being holy and pure, loving and kind, sincere and faithful? What if we begged the Lord to fill the womb of our soul the way Hannah begged for a child? 

I have thought about the birth pains. When you are struggling to conceive either naturally or through adoption (waiting for a child is comparable to infertility), you don't think about the pregnancy and delivery. Morning sickness, swelling ankles, sleepless nights before and after the baby, all of that is out of the mind of a woman desiring a baby. This earth is experiencing birth pains. Christians are perishing daily, people are lovers of themselves, women are losing the natural affection toward their children, men's conscience are seared.  

We need to become pregnant with the fruit of the spirit. In humility seeking the truth and speaking it in love, speaking from a place of remembrance. Remembering where we were when Jesus drew us and saved our souls. Being patient with other believers and not judging so harshly if they don't do "church" the way we do. Living and serving like it is our last day, with the passion of a barren woman.   

 2 Peter 1 King James Version (KJV)

1 Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:

² Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord,
³ According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
⁴ Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
⁵ And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
⁶ And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
⁷ And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
⁸ For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
⁹ But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
¹⁰ Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:
¹¹ For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
¹² Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth.
¹³ Yea, I think it meet, as long as I am in this tabernacle, to stir you up by putting you in remembrance;
¹⁴ Knowing that shortly I must put off this my tabernacle, even as our Lord Jesus Christ hath shewed me.
¹⁵ Moreover I will endeavour that ye may be able after my decease to have these things always in remembrance.
¹⁶ For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty.
¹⁷ For he received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
¹⁸ And this voice which came from heaven we heard, when we were with him in the holy mount.
¹⁹ We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts:
²⁰ Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.
²¹ For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
 

 

Erecting My Blog with Bold Admissions and Private Struggles.

I have become a Christian atheist. Yes, you heard me correctly and please don't judge me just yet. It hit me today like a ton of bricks, my lack of faith and trust in our creator. If there is one thing I have never felt I lacked, it is FAITH. I realized recently through struggles and pain I have developed a spirit of fear that has doused my faith.

When my sister was killed 15 years ago my faith was made stronger, I clung to the hem of Jesus's garment, He carried me, I trusted that He was good, He was faithful, He was still in complete control. The past 3 years however, have made me different, not different good, different bad. I trusted in a woman that claimed to be a Christian, I trusted her to chose a child for our family, we gave of ourselves completely to her in many ways. I BELIEVED in her. I believed we would parent a child from Haiti. We prayed for this child. After what I believe was spiritual abuse I became calloused to Christians. That sounds so contradictory, huh? How could I, a Christian doubt Christians and Christianity? It started at first to be a doubt in man. I have witnessed, watched through saddened eyes as Christians have betrayed, hurt, accused, and have continually chose the path of un-forgiveness. These Christians are people that I have trusted and look up to, men that I believe have a close relationship to God, men in prominent positions. They have deeply wounded friends, people I love, and they continue to chose darkness. (the bible clearly states that if you hate your brother you are in the darkness)

I see the broken, the fornicator, the idolater, the homosexual, the drunkard, the abortionist, the wretch, the ones that are JUST.LIKE.YOU and ME. They are thrown away, ignored, treated like they are untouchable, unsavable, unlovable. I watch, I see, and it has changed me.

I have been in a dark place for a long time. I thought it was directed toward my brother's and sister's (sin on my part by the way), but it has become personal between God and I. I have started to have fear and anxiety, believing the lies of the enemy, allowing my thoughts to be held captive, I have LOST my FAITH. Let me clarify right away, I am saved, I love God, I have never stopped loving HIM. My prayer life isn't the same, I don't pray with the fervency that I used to, and my bible reading has become mundane, but I know I am His.

I was praying today, admitting out loud that I don't trust the Lord to protect me anymore, to love me, to cherish me, to answer my prayers, I don't believe that He cares about me anymore. I hurt too bad, I have struggled too much, I have lost a lot. Then it came to me I am believing......I am believing the enemy. This scripture came to my mind and out of my mouth, "Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I have allowed my thought life to become dark, negative, unfaithful, unbelieving, irritated, cynical, and UGLY. I have not been thinking on what is good, my beautiful Christian husband, 3 beautiful children, a comfortable home, a job I love, friends, family, and a GOD who LOVES me so much that HE draws me in and washes me. OH, what a perfect friend HE is.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone today that is struggling with fear and unbelief. Our feelings, the actions of others, our lack of faith will never change God.

A Baby Named "B"

We have had the awesome privilege of having a newborn baby in our home for 3 days. I will keep the details of why private to protect her story.

How do you fall madly in love with a 6 pound little girl? I had no intentions to do so, but I have. A perfect little reflection of our Creators masterwork. She IS a masterpiece. Painted perfectly in the image of Christ. I brought her home on Saturday, beaming and glowing like a new mom, busting inside to show the world this girl.

I will be taking her to her permanent mommy and daddy tomorrow. I thought this would be easy, that I wouldn't fall so in love, that my heart could take it. I was so wrong.

We have all taken her in, her smell, her sounds, her little smile she smiles in her sleep. The kids have held her as much as humanly possible. Lily took her time and chose the perfect blanket for her to have for always. Sam and Eli helped me pick the perfect outfits. Sam, "Mommy look at this one! Isn't it CUUUUTE...." Eli, "Lap, mama, lap, baby, lap, mama." They have fallen hard. And my husband.......? Let's just say he is smitten.

My heart is broken today at the thought of her leaving. I have wondered why so many doors have closed for us. After loosing Rebekah there is an emptiness here that I have been anticipating God to fill. I keep waiting for Him to bless us with another child. I love children. This baby has made me realize just how much. Her 3 days here have made me see Eli through new eyes. So grateful all over again for the miracle of his adoption. I cherish the two God so graciously wrought in my womb.

This girl, this bundle of JOY, this blessing, special, formed, created, to be in a FAMILY. She has made me see anew my own obedience and faith. When we are called to Christ we have an idea that Christianity is easy. It is church, fellowship, some witnessing mixed in there too. But it is so much more. With each child that I have had to let go of a piece of my heart goes with them. I thought to myself tonight as I held "B", "Isn't this CHIRSTianity?" Through loss and pain we start to look more like Jesus, the GOD man. He took on this flesh with all of its hurts and pain. The suffering He bore for us.

God is using the perfect innocence of children to chip away at my humanity, teaching me, and growing me up in my faith. One day to be perfect when His sanctification has been perfected in me.

I keep praying that He would see fit to give us another child. If He doesn't I will continue to love and pray for the ones that He places in my path.

To "B": You are special, you are sweet, you are a fearfully and wonderfully made creation. I thank God for you little one. I pray that you will grow up to serve your DADDY God. He loves you so!

Pondering the Babe......

This time of year always brings conflict in my head. I struggle with the excess of it all, while trying to enjoy the sweetness of it. I want to think on my Savior, but I get caught up in the stuff. I love watching the kids open gifts with eyes full of wonder and I cry because there are kids that have no wonder.

The media sites have made it so that we see and hear the conflicts that are taking place immediately. This too consumes our minds and hearts. We as Christians struggle to determine how to handle sin and the worldly. We live here on this sphere, ever turning, ever so small in comparison to the great galaxy that our God created, we live. Others are suffering, dying, gasping for their very breath, while we fight over words and homosexuality.

All of this has me thinking about the Babe, the One that was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a filthy manger. I have been reading and looking for Him this year. Where is He in our conversations, where is He when we are battling with right and wrong, where is He in the obscene amount of gifts around the tree? The Babe, the Christ, the King, that came for you and for me, a chosen vessel to die for our sin on a tree. How does His heart ache for us, the ones He came for?

How it must hurt Him to see us consumed with the consumable, the things of this world that are perishing even now. How He looks and sees the money that we spend on the frivolous, all the while the poor are suffering. Don't get me wrong and don't judge my words, I am with you. I enjoy what He has so graciously blessed me with. Solomon urged us to enjoy what God has given us, to enjoy what we work for. That is not what I am saying. I'm saying how does it feel to be the God of the universe come down as a Babe, a squalling infant, birthed from a human womb, born to a carpenter, no one in your own hometown receiving you? To be HIM and see us in our sin, choosing to stay here, in the mire, and filth of our humanness. Saying we LOVE, throwing around that word like a band aid that heals all wounds. We say we LOVE, but do we show our LOVE?

I think on Him and His life here. How He came in the lowest estate, G-O-D came as a Babe. He could have came robed in fine garments, a kingly robe, a crown, but He came as a baby. A young girl no doubt scared as her contractions came, her womb tightening around our Savior, the baby descending into her pelvis for birth. CHRIST birthed......

He grew into a man, our Christ, our Lord. He sat and ate with the vilest sinners in town. He didn't have to argue sin, His light and His words brought conviction. They came and found HIM, the dirty, the drunk, the whore, the bleeding, they found the BABE. He SAVES the wretch. No matter your sin, whether it be fornication, adultery, drunkenness, homosexuality, lust, gluttony, lying, pornography, cutting, pride, hatred, He SAVES.

We "celebrate" His birth on a day, we call it Christmas. We prepare for months, buying gifts, wrapping them, baking cookies, elves on the shelves, reindeer food, tinsel, and balls, but what if we truly looked for the Babe and found Him in the chaos? What if we took the time to sit with sinners? What would happen to Christianity if we looked like the BABE? If we stopped caring about our appearance, what we have, what we don't have, and we GAVE the gift of CHRIST. If our light shown like the Christmas star, what would happen? Our kindness leading sinners to repentance.

We have received the greatest GIFT in the BABE. It is so cliché to say that He is a gift, but where would you be without the giving? I would be lost, depressed, wallowing in self pity, a sinner girl dead.

The Babe called me by name, He drew me unto Himself, and He washed me. Those who knew me before can testify to the change. This didn't not happen because of me. I am not good, I am not kind, I am not clean. I want to illuminate the manger this year with the promise of grace and truth.

This Christmas I pray that you seek the Babe, that you look, and find HIM. I pray that you will stop for a moment and thank Him for coming. Bow before our Lord and give HIM praise. I hope that we all can determine in our hearts a balance in this world. Balance the spiritual while living in this realm. Be kind and generous to others. We are here to be like Him, the Babe, the KING, the glorious LORD of all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The End of Our Adoption Story.........

 October 21, 2013 

 

It has been 8 days since my plane touched down on American soil. For 8 days I have been toiling. Wondering how I will write this post. I feel a need to please everyone. We have had complaints of our Speak Out blog being too emotional, too harsh, too demeaning, so I decided to post here. I have tried to think of how I would write this chapter without emotion. I have found that this is an impossible task. This journey has been wrought with emotion; ups and downs, hills and valleys. I can't tell this story without emotion, without the fear, the dread, the utter sadness of it all. So please, reader, bear with me as I try to articulate the pain and the beauty of our story.

On October 7, 2013, I set out on a mission: a mission to find the truth, a mission to find a daughter. I flew into Haiti after weeks of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the “what ifs.” I arrived, and I felt it; that feeling that I feel in Haiti, the connection to a people. I smelled the fragrance of burning coals, heard the bustling in the streets and saw the people, the people that I have grown to love. This mission was burned into my heart. I could not let a lie keep me from the truth.

On August 13, 2013, we received a letter from Voice of the Orphan stating that R's mom had revoked her consent to adopt. See my blog post here. On September 12, 2013, we received the following fake revocation of adoption from Voice of The Orphan. This fake document would be my grace from God. I had been begging for months for information in regards to R's history and birth parents, but I had never received any of the information. This document led me to her: to the woman who held R in her womb.

(Fake Revocation Of Consent to Adopt. R's mother never appeared in court and she never revoked her consent to adopt.)

I have often thought of her. What is she like? Is she good? Where does she live? Where was R born? I had booked the trip to Haiti determined to find her, and to find out the answers to my questions. Just days before I traveled, someone found her. They found her living in extreme poverty. This person told her that I was requesting to meet with her to discuss the legality of the adoption as well as R's future, and she agreed.

This mother, showing great resilience, borrowed money from neighbors, took a taxi to the crèche, and waited for over 3 hours as they retrieved her daughter. Heather Elyse had been hiding R in her personal home, but she was now with a woman they call Madame Pastor's Wife. I assume Heather had to hide her to keep up the lie she had told (that R's mom had taken her back). G (R's mom) then walked to a secret location where a van waited to bring her to me.

I was so nervous and prayed continually throughout the morning. I was doubting she would come, and I couldn't believe that she would bring R. She made a 1 1/2 hour trip to Port au Prince to meet with me. I walked to meet her at the gate. There she was, beautiful, just as I had imagined. She was holding R. R smiled the biggest smile and hugged me tight. They came and sat with us for hours. During this time my heart was broken. I watched as a little girl I have loved from afar love her mommy. She clung to her. They smiled at each other. They LOVE each other.

I asked all the questions I had prepared. Did she understand adoption? Did she want me to parent R? Did she know that she wouldn't see her again? Her answers astounded me. She had no idea what adoption was. She thought I would bring R frequently to see her. She asked me to buy her a phone so she could call her every week. She didn't understand that R would lose her language within 6 months of coming to America. She was looking for someone to feed and clothe her daughter, she wasn't looking for another family for her.

It was time to leave. R gave me two big kisses on the lips, we sang Jesus loves me, and our ABC's. I got into the car and wept. I saw R as G's daughter. She is not mine. God formed her in the womb of a poor mother in Haiti. Poverty does not an orphan make. G wants her daughter! G sent R with another biological mom that we have since found out was being paid to find kids for the creche. G couldn't feed her daughter. She is 26 years old with 3 other children and no job: she had no means to support another child. She is a strong, healthy woman, but mostly she is a mom.

R is now with her mom. Reunited with the woman that birthed her into this world. I am home. I go into the room that was prepared for her, I see the excess of clothes, the new bunk beds for her and her big sissy...but it's not enough. Our love, our wealth, it is not enough to take her from her mom, from her home, from her culture.

I thought I would be saving an impoverished little girl, but through this, she has saved me. She has saved me from thinking that somehow our family is better, that somehow being here would lead her to Jesus. She has taught me the truth of God's providence. He can use her in Haiti. Her mother, with help, can be empowered to take care of HER children. I can support them from afar, I can LOVE her still.

Love is what this is. Love is caring for a woman and her 4 children. Love is not selfish and doing what makes me and my family FEEL good. Love is sacrifice.

Out of our family's tragedy came restoration. Out of our loss came great gain. Out of the lies and deception, hope was born. If you want to help support moms like G, if you want to empower them to keep their children, if you want to not only say, “be warm and filled,” but you want to warm and fill a family, go to:

 

Empowering Haitian Moms
P.O. Box 4142
Chesterfield MO 63006
Or Paypal at empoweringhaitainmoms@gmail.com

                  Please write “Restoration” in the memo.

All donations are tax deductible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

God Still Sends a Rainbow......

For those of you that have followed or read my blog I'm sure you noticed the shift. My blog started out as a journal. I wanted to have every detail written down in regards to our adoption. The shift came and I started writing about facing giants and fighting a good fight. Since last November I have known something wasn't right with our agency. I knew then that God was calling me to do VERY hard things. He has raised me and many others up to be a voice for the fatherless.

You can continue this journey with me and the other families at: Speaking Out


Please continue to pray for sweet Rebekah. I have no idea where she is, but I know God is protecting her and watching her. We serve a great BIG God who SEES and knows everything. I trust Him and He is always sending me rainbows as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.

Facing A Giant

We all have heard the story of a little shepherd boy that defeated the giant with a stone and a sling. We have looked through picture books depicting David as a small, fragile, and weak looking boy.

I was crying out to the Lord about a certain situation I am currently in. I was asking Him how in the world could I face such a giant. He spoke and reminded me of David. A shepherd boy tending his flock, a boy that was dearly loved by his God. He was spoke of in Samuel 16:18 as, "a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him." David is described as, "ruddy, with beautiful eyes, and he was handsome." Something else we know about David was his musical talent and ability. So here we have a handsome young man out in the fields tending his sheep all the while humming a tune. I wonder if it was there God was preparing David? As David gently led his sheep. As he took his shepherd's hook and tenderly led one back to the fold. As he sang praises to God and made melody in his heart. Was it then that God was rising up a warrior? Did David know when he was single handedly slaying bears and lions for the sake of his sheep that this was a sharpening of his skills for war?

David was ready only because of his trust and faith in a holy God. He knew who it was that protected him and gave him strength. David said in 1 Samuel 17:37, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." He trusted in the Lord so much that he took off the warriors armor and took up five stones. Can you imagine running toward a 9-10 foot giant with a rock? David trusted God.

I look at my own life and I wonder. I wonder if the trials that I have faced have prepared me for this battle? As the Lord looks upon me does He see a faithful servant, a warrior ready to fight?

He is worthy of this battle and I'm trusting Him to defeat my enemy. The Lord will prevail and I will give Him praise. It looks as if the enemy will win. Just like goliath my foe is a giant, powerful, and full of deceit. A liar that cloaks themselves in religious jargon and eloquent speech. There has to be a preparation time before we approach our enemy, we have to know their weapons. satan disguises himself as an angel of light, he is cunning, crafty, and sneaks in unnoticed. If it were possible he could deceive the elect of God. That is my enemies weapons of warfare looking so much like me they don't appear to be the enemy.

I am praying that God will prepare my heart, my soul, and my spirit for this battle. I am fighting it for HIM.....For His honor....And to bring Him glory.