A Euglogy of Love Written to My Father.

    

     My daddy will be celebrating his birthday in two days. I have been thinking about writing this blog post for him for months. When I lived in Cleveland I attended a Baptist church there. Some of the ladies would use a term, "I'm giving them flowers." The purpose behind this was to speak love into someone's life while they are here and not wait until they are gone. I am writing a eulogy to my daddy today in honor of his birthday to celebrate another moment with him on this earth.

     Dear Daddy,

     I am writing this to you so that you can know how very much I love you. Memories from my childhood resurface as I type these black words on a blank page. You were my rock and my strength through those days. I remember so vividly your strong hands. They were so big and strong yet so gentle. I was never whipped by those hands, only held. I still love your hands. They are weary, feeble, bent, and painful, but I still feel safe when I'm holding your hand. Your hands to me are a reflection of your heart. Strong, gentle, loving, and giving even though you are broken.

      I love you because of the love and kindness that you show others. Never judging, condemning, always accepting. Even when I start to say something I shouldn't I hear, "now Kimber, you shouldn't judge." I'm laughing now thinking about how you say that I'm not to old to spank. My friends are your children, you make everyone feel that way; welcomed, cherished, and loved.


     I have watched as you and Becky have experienced the greatest loss a family can face. You have walked through that with dignity and grace. Your body wracked by the stress of it all, and still your soul is at peace. I watch as you trust our Father God in this. Teaching me how to believe and follow.

     Are you perfect? NO! You are stubborn, competitive, and have to bid 139 when we play Rook (I will forgive you), but you are good. You are a good daddy that has loved me well.

     I look back over the past two years with anguish and praise. I think back to the hospital stays, the heart attacks, being ask if we want you resuscitated. I look at how God has used you and your near death experiences to touch the doctors and nurses revealing to them who the GREAT PHYSICIAN is. I have truly believed on more than one occasion that it would be our last word spoken, our last time to hold hands, the last of, "I love you." I praise God that He has granted us just one more day.

     Thank you daddy for being an example, a light, and a strong tower for me. I pray that as I give you these flowers today that you will feel loved and cherished. God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and may your days be long on the earth.

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

Bind Me With Your Fetter Lord.

Fetter- a chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically placed around the ankles.

Lyrics to Come thou Fount of Every Blessing:

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

     While listening to this song I started to think about the word fetter. We are so prone to wander, wander away from the ONE that loves us so, blinded by the world and its problems.

     I had some friends over recently. We went around the room and stated what strengths each of us possessed, mine was transparency. Unfortunately, I have been a fraud for a few years now, hiding from truth and transparency, afraid of being vulnerable again, afraid to expose myself and my feelings to the readers of this blog. I started this blog to record our adoption from Haiti. That is where my heart began to wander. Through the lies and deception of one woman, my heart has slowly turned away from my SOURCE of strength, the life giver, and life sustainer. I am writing today to expose the enemy, to step out of the darkness of doubt and fear, to show you that if you wander God is there to bind you with the fetter of His goodness and love.

     I have always wanted God to use my life for His glory, to use my testimony to draw others to Jesus, and I have always desired to be in obedience to Him. When Jeremy and I stepped out in faith to adopt from Haiti, we were excited, so full of expectation and JOY. I knew that we were in complete obedience to our Father. We knew this was the path for our family. I still know that this was God's plan. It was His plan for me to expose evil, lies and deception. It was His will for the little girl we had grown to love as our own to find her way back HOME. I understand all of that in my head, but my HEART did not understand.

     Walking through such deception, being led astray by someone that I looked up to made me jaded, hardened and calloused. It was slow. At first I felt like a lion. I, and 11 other strong women were making a difference, we were being used by God, and it felt empowering.  I was walking so close with the Lord during that time. He was carrying me. After returning home however, I still desired another child. There are private issues that I will not disclose, but through circumstances we have continued to be infertile. No child in my womb, no child through adoption. I started to feel forgotten, I started to doubt that God had really called our family. It feels so personal when you desire a child and God says NO. I have tried to give this to Him, let it go, enjoy and praise Him for the 3 perfect gifts that He has given me, but DOUBT became my friend.

     Doubt replaced my faith. Something I have never lacked is faith. I have always trusted God and His will for our lives. But this, this rocked me to the core, shaking my faith, rattling my soul. Adoption was no longer my heart, I have feared the process, I have be let down over and over. Heart broken--sadness and pain my new confidant.

     I have held onto this pain, keeping it hidden, not wanting anyone to see my weakness. That is what we do isn't it? When we are "Christians" we are supposed to be strong. But in my weakness, it is HE that IS strong. I realized this morning that my healing comes through confession. Saying to the world and to my enemy that I will BELIEVE. I will trust again that in God's NO He is good and in His YES He is good.

     I am blessed to be a MOM, a wife, a friend, a daughter.......I am BLESSED to be chosen. Chosen by God to suffer, to hope, to live, to die, to give, to grieve, to W.A.L.K this path that God has laid out before me. Today I choose to be a restrained prisoner of JESUS. I am choosing this day to allow God's goodness in ALL things to be my FETTER.

    

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

I sit here tonight, October 13, 2014, in a much better place than I was on October 13, 2013. I am overwhelmed in my heart with sorrow for a friend. In times of difficulty I always come to a place of looking back. Remembrance......

October 13, 2012 I was waiting on a phone call from my social worker to tell me Eli was ready to travel. Hope deferred had made my heart sick. We had waited only 6 short months, but it felt like an eternity as we looked at his pictures and memorized every inch of him. Little did I know in just 13 more days I would be on a plane to Korea to get my baby. My desire to be a mom to a baby boy from around the globe was becoming my reality.

October 13, 2013 I was home recovering from a broken heart. I had no idea the brokenness a woman proclaiming Christ that I loved dearly had caused me. A fraudulent adoption, a lost daughter, a wounded soul. Hope deferred had made my heart sick.


 Tonight I listen to a beautiful song. Here are a couple of lines: "Through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all it is well." I think about my friend, who is broken, sitting in a hospital room watching her boy fight to live. It has become weary for all of us that are looking on. We wonder......"God what are you doing? Will you heal? Will you take home? How will we make it?" All of us in our school community are tired in our eyes, hearts are heavy, we are burdened for a family that is enduring more then I think any of us could. I have watched as this community of believers from different denominations have lifted up the heavy hands of the family. They have come along side of them and lifted them in the spiritual realm, pouring out prayers, begging for healing. We all are being change. Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Hope-

noun

noun: hope · plural noun: hopes

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen:

How can our hearts hope if our hope is deferred? Deferred means to put off or postpone. No more putting off of hope! He has given us a hope and a future. Our hope is in HIM. In the darkness, the loneliness, when no one is there, when a 4 year old baby has tubes breathing air into his sick lungs, HE IS OUR HOPE!

Will you pray with me that our hope would be restored 10 fold? That we would have a hope that shines like the sun. God is so GREAT! His mercies are new EVERY.MORNING.......every.single.morning.

HOPE..........HOPE in HIM the giver of life.....Our HOPE.....

BARRENESS

bar·ren

/ˈbærən/ Show Spelled 

adjective 

 

1. not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.

 

2. unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.

 

3. without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.

 

4. mentally unproductive; dull; stupid. 

 

5. not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.

 

 

 

 

If you have never struggled with infertility you may not be able to relate to what women like myself are currently walking through. There is a passion that God has given us as women, a passion to conceive and carry a child in our wombs. It is something that can overtake you. I realized that many women in the bible struggled with barrenness. I have recently been intrigued.

As I was praying and meditating on the word barrenness I decided to look it up. I found the definition listed above and I thought to myself, "that is it!" It explained the state of our country, the state of the church, the state of us as Christians....WE are barren.

God has allowed my husband and I to meet many Christians, in many different seasons of their faith, at many different places in their doctorial beliefs. What we have noticed is how everyone has their own personal bias based on their presuppositions, their history in the church, their circumstances and life experiences. What I am noticing is a lack of fruit in the lives of Christians like myself because we are stuck in our personal views of scripture. 

How can we all be reading the same bible yet come to such different conclusions? Some believing in the complete sovereignty of God, some leaning more into a man's choice, some wearing skirts, some believing that one day is more holy to worship, some viewing the new testament Jesus as a flip flop wearing, forgiver of all, even if you don't ask kind of God. 

I have been pondering, deep in thought, observing, listening, watching, hearing, and taking all of it in. What I have seen, heard, and experienced is a state of barrenness. 


I wonder what would happen if instead of increasing in our own knowledge, we sought the wisdom and knowledge of God? (Philippians 1:9-11Philippians 1:9-11King James Version (KJV)
⁹ And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;
¹⁰ That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.
¹¹ Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.) What if being right took a back seat to being holy and pure, loving and kind, sincere and faithful? What if we begged the Lord to fill the womb of our soul the way Hannah begged for a child? 

I have thought about the birth pains. When you are struggling to conceive either naturally or through adoption (waiting for a child is comparable to infertility), you don't think about the pregnancy and delivery. Morning sickness, swelling ankles, sleepless nights before and after the baby, all of that is out of the mind of a woman desiring a baby. This earth is experiencing birth pains. Christians are perishing daily, people are lovers of themselves, women are losing the natural affection toward their children, men's conscience are seared.  

We need to become pregnant with the fruit of the spirit. In humility seeking the truth and speaking it in love, speaking from a place of remembrance. Remembering where we were when Jesus drew us and saved our souls. Being patient with other believers and not judging so harshly if they don't do "church" the way we do. Living and serving like it is our last day, with the passion of a barren woman.   

 2 Peter 1 King James Version (KJV)

1 Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:

² Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord,
³ According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
⁴ Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
⁵ And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
⁶ And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
⁷ And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
⁸ For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
⁹ But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
¹⁰ Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:
¹¹ For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
¹² Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth.
¹³ Yea, I think it meet, as long as I am in this tabernacle, to stir you up by putting you in remembrance;
¹⁴ Knowing that shortly I must put off this my tabernacle, even as our Lord Jesus Christ hath shewed me.
¹⁵ Moreover I will endeavour that ye may be able after my decease to have these things always in remembrance.
¹⁶ For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty.
¹⁷ For he received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
¹⁸ And this voice which came from heaven we heard, when we were with him in the holy mount.
¹⁹ We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts:
²⁰ Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.
²¹ For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
 

 

Erecting My Blog with Bold Admissions and Private Struggles.

I have become a Christian atheist. Yes, you heard me correctly and please don't judge me just yet. It hit me today like a ton of bricks, my lack of faith and trust in our creator. If there is one thing I have never felt I lacked, it is FAITH. I realized recently through struggles and pain I have developed a spirit of fear that has doused my faith.

When my sister was killed 15 years ago my faith was made stronger, I clung to the hem of Jesus's garment, He carried me, I trusted that He was good, He was faithful, He was still in complete control. The past 3 years however, have made me different, not different good, different bad. I trusted in a woman that claimed to be a Christian, I trusted her to chose a child for our family, we gave of ourselves completely to her in many ways. I BELIEVED in her. I believed we would parent a child from Haiti. We prayed for this child. After what I believe was spiritual abuse I became calloused to Christians. That sounds so contradictory, huh? How could I, a Christian doubt Christians and Christianity? It started at first to be a doubt in man. I have witnessed, watched through saddened eyes as Christians have betrayed, hurt, accused, and have continually chose the path of un-forgiveness. These Christians are people that I have trusted and look up to, men that I believe have a close relationship to God, men in prominent positions. They have deeply wounded friends, people I love, and they continue to chose darkness. (the bible clearly states that if you hate your brother you are in the darkness)

I see the broken, the fornicator, the idolater, the homosexual, the drunkard, the abortionist, the wretch, the ones that are JUST.LIKE.YOU and ME. They are thrown away, ignored, treated like they are untouchable, unsavable, unlovable. I watch, I see, and it has changed me.

I have been in a dark place for a long time. I thought it was directed toward my brother's and sister's (sin on my part by the way), but it has become personal between God and I. I have started to have fear and anxiety, believing the lies of the enemy, allowing my thoughts to be held captive, I have LOST my FAITH. Let me clarify right away, I am saved, I love God, I have never stopped loving HIM. My prayer life isn't the same, I don't pray with the fervency that I used to, and my bible reading has become mundane, but I know I am His.

I was praying today, admitting out loud that I don't trust the Lord to protect me anymore, to love me, to cherish me, to answer my prayers, I don't believe that He cares about me anymore. I hurt too bad, I have struggled too much, I have lost a lot. Then it came to me I am believing......I am believing the enemy. This scripture came to my mind and out of my mouth, "Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I have allowed my thought life to become dark, negative, unfaithful, unbelieving, irritated, cynical, and UGLY. I have not been thinking on what is good, my beautiful Christian husband, 3 beautiful children, a comfortable home, a job I love, friends, family, and a GOD who LOVES me so much that HE draws me in and washes me. OH, what a perfect friend HE is.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone today that is struggling with fear and unbelief. Our feelings, the actions of others, our lack of faith will never change God.

A Baby Named "B"

We have had the awesome privilege of having a newborn baby in our home for 3 days. I will keep the details of why private to protect her story.

How do you fall madly in love with a 6 pound little girl? I had no intentions to do so, but I have. A perfect little reflection of our Creators masterwork. She IS a masterpiece. Painted perfectly in the image of Christ. I brought her home on Saturday, beaming and glowing like a new mom, busting inside to show the world this girl.

I will be taking her to her permanent mommy and daddy tomorrow. I thought this would be easy, that I wouldn't fall so in love, that my heart could take it. I was so wrong.

We have all taken her in, her smell, her sounds, her little smile she smiles in her sleep. The kids have held her as much as humanly possible. Lily took her time and chose the perfect blanket for her to have for always. Sam and Eli helped me pick the perfect outfits. Sam, "Mommy look at this one! Isn't it CUUUUTE...." Eli, "Lap, mama, lap, baby, lap, mama." They have fallen hard. And my husband.......? Let's just say he is smitten.

My heart is broken today at the thought of her leaving. I have wondered why so many doors have closed for us. After loosing Rebekah there is an emptiness here that I have been anticipating God to fill. I keep waiting for Him to bless us with another child. I love children. This baby has made me realize just how much. Her 3 days here have made me see Eli through new eyes. So grateful all over again for the miracle of his adoption. I cherish the two God so graciously wrought in my womb.

This girl, this bundle of JOY, this blessing, special, formed, created, to be in a FAMILY. She has made me see anew my own obedience and faith. When we are called to Christ we have an idea that Christianity is easy. It is church, fellowship, some witnessing mixed in there too. But it is so much more. With each child that I have had to let go of a piece of my heart goes with them. I thought to myself tonight as I held "B", "Isn't this CHIRSTianity?" Through loss and pain we start to look more like Jesus, the GOD man. He took on this flesh with all of its hurts and pain. The suffering He bore for us.

God is using the perfect innocence of children to chip away at my humanity, teaching me, and growing me up in my faith. One day to be perfect when His sanctification has been perfected in me.

I keep praying that He would see fit to give us another child. If He doesn't I will continue to love and pray for the ones that He places in my path.

To "B": You are special, you are sweet, you are a fearfully and wonderfully made creation. I thank God for you little one. I pray that you will grow up to serve your DADDY God. He loves you so!

Pondering the Babe......

This time of year always brings conflict in my head. I struggle with the excess of it all, while trying to enjoy the sweetness of it. I want to think on my Savior, but I get caught up in the stuff. I love watching the kids open gifts with eyes full of wonder and I cry because there are kids that have no wonder.

The media sites have made it so that we see and hear the conflicts that are taking place immediately. This too consumes our minds and hearts. We as Christians struggle to determine how to handle sin and the worldly. We live here on this sphere, ever turning, ever so small in comparison to the great galaxy that our God created, we live. Others are suffering, dying, gasping for their very breath, while we fight over words and homosexuality.

All of this has me thinking about the Babe, the One that was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a filthy manger. I have been reading and looking for Him this year. Where is He in our conversations, where is He when we are battling with right and wrong, where is He in the obscene amount of gifts around the tree? The Babe, the Christ, the King, that came for you and for me, a chosen vessel to die for our sin on a tree. How does His heart ache for us, the ones He came for?

How it must hurt Him to see us consumed with the consumable, the things of this world that are perishing even now. How He looks and sees the money that we spend on the frivolous, all the while the poor are suffering. Don't get me wrong and don't judge my words, I am with you. I enjoy what He has so graciously blessed me with. Solomon urged us to enjoy what God has given us, to enjoy what we work for. That is not what I am saying. I'm saying how does it feel to be the God of the universe come down as a Babe, a squalling infant, birthed from a human womb, born to a carpenter, no one in your own hometown receiving you? To be HIM and see us in our sin, choosing to stay here, in the mire, and filth of our humanness. Saying we LOVE, throwing around that word like a band aid that heals all wounds. We say we LOVE, but do we show our LOVE?

I think on Him and His life here. How He came in the lowest estate, G-O-D came as a Babe. He could have came robed in fine garments, a kingly robe, a crown, but He came as a baby. A young girl no doubt scared as her contractions came, her womb tightening around our Savior, the baby descending into her pelvis for birth. CHRIST birthed......

He grew into a man, our Christ, our Lord. He sat and ate with the vilest sinners in town. He didn't have to argue sin, His light and His words brought conviction. They came and found HIM, the dirty, the drunk, the whore, the bleeding, they found the BABE. He SAVES the wretch. No matter your sin, whether it be fornication, adultery, drunkenness, homosexuality, lust, gluttony, lying, pornography, cutting, pride, hatred, He SAVES.

We "celebrate" His birth on a day, we call it Christmas. We prepare for months, buying gifts, wrapping them, baking cookies, elves on the shelves, reindeer food, tinsel, and balls, but what if we truly looked for the Babe and found Him in the chaos? What if we took the time to sit with sinners? What would happen to Christianity if we looked like the BABE? If we stopped caring about our appearance, what we have, what we don't have, and we GAVE the gift of CHRIST. If our light shown like the Christmas star, what would happen? Our kindness leading sinners to repentance.

We have received the greatest GIFT in the BABE. It is so cliché to say that He is a gift, but where would you be without the giving? I would be lost, depressed, wallowing in self pity, a sinner girl dead.

The Babe called me by name, He drew me unto Himself, and He washed me. Those who knew me before can testify to the change. This didn't not happen because of me. I am not good, I am not kind, I am not clean. I want to illuminate the manger this year with the promise of grace and truth.

This Christmas I pray that you seek the Babe, that you look, and find HIM. I pray that you will stop for a moment and thank Him for coming. Bow before our Lord and give HIM praise. I hope that we all can determine in our hearts a balance in this world. Balance the spiritual while living in this realm. Be kind and generous to others. We are here to be like Him, the Babe, the KING, the glorious LORD of all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!