It is time for my blog to come to a close. It was started with visions of a sweet baby from Haiti, and my how things have changed. I cannot walk away from this journal without documenting the faithfulness of Jesus and His never-ending love for me. I also want to acknowledge some of the people that have been with me throughout this journey.
Our testimony is one of miracles, hard roads, fear, love, submission, belief, unbelief, and mostly trudging in the flesh while trying to walk in the spirit. In 2008 as most of you know Jeremy and I chose to permanently close my womb. In 2009 we were convicted of doing so and scheduled an appointment to correct our wrong. God, however, had another plan for our family.....adoption. In 2010 a little boy would be born across the ocean in Korea. We would bring him home to our family in 15 months. In 2012 we would begin the process again, this time from Haiti. After horrific events we found that we were involved in a scam. You can read here: www.speakoutaboutgivinghoperescuemission.blogspot.com Coming home from Haiti in October of 2013 I was so broken, so deflated, torn, grieving the loss of our daughter. I was in a dark place full of doubt. In November after much prayer and preparation Jeremy flew to Oklahoma and had our wrong corrected. We felt that it was time, although, I am 40 and the odds of us conceiving a child were low.
For 16 months I struggled with desiring a child. God was allowing me to experience what having a barren womb was. I was acquainted with many women in the bible, begging God for a child. I could not trust, rest, understand why so many doors closed. We love children and have come to see each one as a blessing from the hand of God. During this time I had many women that I confided in. The women that walked with me through the mess in Haiti, my closest friends, and some women that are internet friends that I don't even know. These women, their love, their support, and mostly prayers helped me during this time. Frankly, I don't know how I would have made it the past 3 years without them. I was having a hard time submitting to God in this and understanding his will for our family.
I finally gave up on Jeremy and I conceiving a child and came to believe that we were simply to obey. So, on March 16 we mailed off our application to adopt from China. I was so excited! I had been constantly pouring over the waiting list. God was finally answering my prayers. Jeremy had conceded after saying he couldn't go through another adoption. The prayers and struggle was unseen. I had been battling with what to do, what route to go (domestic/international), or to simply give up. God had different plans for us, but I was impatient. On March 19, 2015, 3 days after we mailed our application in we found out we are PREGNANT!
I had my first doctor's appointment this past Monday. We watched in awe as our little miracle bounced around on the screen.
I have deleted my Facebook account and after today will not be blogging. I feel this time in our lives is sacred, holy, precious, and private. I want to ponder every moment in my heart and praise Jesus in the quite of the day for the gift of life that grows in my womb.
I am sharing this testimony in praise to God. I want every person that reads this to know that God is ultimately in control. He knows the next moment, the next trial, the next blessing, the eternal path that we are on. He is my life and my LOVE. I am so thankful for the people that He has placed in my path, the ones that have sown into my life, to YOU.....thank you!
Each patch that has been stitched onto our family quilt has been needful. Everything our family has walked through and will walk through is for our good. We are slowly being conformed into the image of Christ, and all of this, ALL of it is HIS will, and is for a purpose.
Goodbye readers.......be blessed and rejoice in the Lord....again I say rejoice!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
A Euglogy of Love Written to My Father.
My daddy will be celebrating his birthday in two days. I have been thinking about writing this blog post for him for months. When I lived in Cleveland I attended a Baptist church there. Some of the ladies would use a term, "I'm giving them flowers." The purpose behind this was to speak love into someone's life while they are here and not wait until they are gone. I am writing a eulogy to my daddy today in honor of his birthday to celebrate another moment with him on this earth.
Dear Daddy,
I am writing this to you so that you can know how very much I love you. Memories from my childhood resurface as I type these black words on a blank page. You were my rock and my strength through those days. I remember so vividly your strong hands. They were so big and strong yet so gentle. I was never whipped by those hands, only held. I still love your hands. They are weary, feeble, bent, and painful, but I still feel safe when I'm holding your hand. Your hands to me are a reflection of your heart. Strong, gentle, loving, and giving even though you are broken.
I love you because of the love and kindness that you show others. Never judging, condemning, always accepting. Even when I start to say something I shouldn't I hear, "now Kimber, you shouldn't judge." I'm laughing now thinking about how you say that I'm not to old to spank. My friends are your children, you make everyone feel that way; welcomed, cherished, and loved.
I have watched as you and Becky have experienced the greatest loss a family can face. You have walked through that with dignity and grace. Your body wracked by the stress of it all, and still your soul is at peace. I watch as you trust our Father God in this. Teaching me how to believe and follow.
Are you perfect? NO! You are stubborn, competitive, and have to bid 139 when we play Rook (I will forgive you), but you are good. You are a good daddy that has loved me well.
I look back over the past two years with anguish and praise. I think back to the hospital stays, the heart attacks, being ask if we want you resuscitated. I look at how God has used you and your near death experiences to touch the doctors and nurses revealing to them who the GREAT PHYSICIAN is. I have truly believed on more than one occasion that it would be our last word spoken, our last time to hold hands, the last of, "I love you." I praise God that He has granted us just one more day.
Thank you daddy for being an example, a light, and a strong tower for me. I pray that as I give you these flowers today that you will feel loved and cherished. God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and may your days be long on the earth.
Happy Birthday!!!!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Bind Me With Your Fetter Lord.
Fetter- a chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically placed around the ankles.
Lyrics to Come thou Fount of Every Blessing:
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
While listening to this song I started to think about the word fetter. We are so prone to wander, wander away from the ONE that loves us so, blinded by the world and its problems.
I had some friends over recently. We went around the room and stated what strengths each of us possessed, mine was transparency. Unfortunately, I have been a fraud for a few years now, hiding from truth and transparency, afraid of being vulnerable again, afraid to expose myself and my feelings to the readers of this blog. I started this blog to record our adoption from Haiti. That is where my heart began to wander. Through the lies and deception of one woman, my heart has slowly turned away from my SOURCE of strength, the life giver, and life sustainer. I am writing today to expose the enemy, to step out of the darkness of doubt and fear, to show you that if you wander God is there to bind you with the fetter of His goodness and love.
I have always wanted God to use my life for His glory, to use my testimony to draw others to Jesus, and I have always desired to be in obedience to Him. When Jeremy and I stepped out in faith to adopt from Haiti, we were excited, so full of expectation and JOY. I knew that we were in complete obedience to our Father. We knew this was the path for our family. I still know that this was God's plan. It was His plan for me to expose evil, lies and deception. It was His will for the little girl we had grown to love as our own to find her way back HOME. I understand all of that in my head, but my HEART did not understand.
Walking through such deception, being led astray by someone that I looked up to made me jaded, hardened and calloused. It was slow. At first I felt like a lion. I, and 11 other strong women were making a difference, we were being used by God, and it felt empowering. I was walking so close with the Lord during that time. He was carrying me. After returning home however, I still desired another child. There are private issues that I will not disclose, but through circumstances we have continued to be infertile. No child in my womb, no child through adoption. I started to feel forgotten, I started to doubt that God had really called our family. It feels so personal when you desire a child and God says NO. I have tried to give this to Him, let it go, enjoy and praise Him for the 3 perfect gifts that He has given me, but DOUBT became my friend.
Doubt replaced my faith. Something I have never lacked is faith. I have always trusted God and His will for our lives. But this, this rocked me to the core, shaking my faith, rattling my soul. Adoption was no longer my heart, I have feared the process, I have be let down over and over. Heart broken--sadness and pain my new confidant.
I have held onto this pain, keeping it hidden, not wanting anyone to see my weakness. That is what we do isn't it? When we are "Christians" we are supposed to be strong. But in my weakness, it is HE that IS strong. I realized this morning that my healing comes through confession. Saying to the world and to my enemy that I will BELIEVE. I will trust again that in God's NO He is good and in His YES He is good.
I am blessed to be a MOM, a wife, a friend, a daughter.......I am BLESSED to be chosen. Chosen by God to suffer, to hope, to live, to die, to give, to grieve, to W.A.L.K this path that God has laid out before me. Today I choose to be a restrained prisoner of JESUS. I am choosing this day to allow God's goodness in ALL things to be my FETTER.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick
I sit here tonight, October 13, 2014, in a much better place than I was on October 13, 2013. I am overwhelmed in my heart with sorrow for a friend. In times of difficulty I always come to a place of looking back. Remembrance......
October 13, 2012 I was waiting on a phone call from my social worker to tell me Eli was ready to travel. Hope deferred had made my heart sick. We had waited only 6 short months, but it felt like an eternity as we looked at his pictures and memorized every inch of him. Little did I know in just 13 more days I would be on a plane to Korea to get my baby. My desire to be a mom to a baby boy from around the globe was becoming my reality.
October 13, 2013 I was home recovering from a broken heart. I had no idea the brokenness a woman proclaiming Christ that I loved dearly had caused me. A fraudulent adoption, a lost daughter, a wounded soul. Hope deferred had made my heart sick.
Tonight I listen to a beautiful song. Here are a couple of lines: "Through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all it is well." I think about my friend, who is broken, sitting in a hospital room watching her boy fight to live. It has become weary for all of us that are looking on. We wonder......"God what are you doing? Will you heal? Will you take home? How will we make it?" All of us in our school community are tired in our eyes, hearts are heavy, we are burdened for a family that is enduring more then I think any of us could. I have watched as this community of believers from different denominations have lifted up the heavy hands of the family. They have come along side of them and lifted them in the spiritual realm, pouring out prayers, begging for healing. We all are being change. Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Hope-
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen:
How can our hearts hope if our hope is deferred? Deferred means to put off or postpone. No more putting off of hope! He has given us a hope and a future. Our hope is in HIM. In the darkness, the loneliness, when no one is there, when a 4 year old baby has tubes breathing air into his sick lungs, HE IS OUR HOPE!
Will you pray with me that our hope would be restored 10 fold? That we would have a hope that shines like the sun. God is so GREAT! His mercies are new EVERY.MORNING.......every.single.morning.
HOPE..........HOPE in HIM the giver of life.....Our HOPE.....
October 13, 2012 I was waiting on a phone call from my social worker to tell me Eli was ready to travel. Hope deferred had made my heart sick. We had waited only 6 short months, but it felt like an eternity as we looked at his pictures and memorized every inch of him. Little did I know in just 13 more days I would be on a plane to Korea to get my baby. My desire to be a mom to a baby boy from around the globe was becoming my reality.
October 13, 2013 I was home recovering from a broken heart. I had no idea the brokenness a woman proclaiming Christ that I loved dearly had caused me. A fraudulent adoption, a lost daughter, a wounded soul. Hope deferred had made my heart sick.
Tonight I listen to a beautiful song. Here are a couple of lines: "Through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all it is well." I think about my friend, who is broken, sitting in a hospital room watching her boy fight to live. It has become weary for all of us that are looking on. We wonder......"God what are you doing? Will you heal? Will you take home? How will we make it?" All of us in our school community are tired in our eyes, hearts are heavy, we are burdened for a family that is enduring more then I think any of us could. I have watched as this community of believers from different denominations have lifted up the heavy hands of the family. They have come along side of them and lifted them in the spiritual realm, pouring out prayers, begging for healing. We all are being change. Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Hope-
noun
noun: hope · plural noun: hopes
How can our hearts hope if our hope is deferred? Deferred means to put off or postpone. No more putting off of hope! He has given us a hope and a future. Our hope is in HIM. In the darkness, the loneliness, when no one is there, when a 4 year old baby has tubes breathing air into his sick lungs, HE IS OUR HOPE!
Will you pray with me that our hope would be restored 10 fold? That we would have a hope that shines like the sun. God is so GREAT! His mercies are new EVERY.MORNING.......every.single.morning.
HOPE..........HOPE in HIM the giver of life.....Our HOPE.....
Friday, August 8, 2014
BARRENESS
bar·ren
ən
adjective
1. not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2. unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3. without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4. mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5. not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
If you have never struggled with infertility you may not be able to relate to what women like myself are currently walking through. There is a passion that God has given us as women, a passion to conceive and carry a child in our wombs. It is something that can overtake you. I realized that many women in the bible struggled with barrenness. I have recently been intrigued.
As I was praying and meditating on the word barrenness I decided to look it up. I found the definition listed above and I thought to myself, "that is it!" It explained the state of our country, the state of the church, the state of us as Christians....WE are barren.
God has allowed my husband and I to meet many Christians, in many different seasons of their faith, at many different places in their doctorial beliefs. What we have noticed is how everyone has their own personal bias based on their presuppositions, their history in the church, their circumstances and life experiences. What I am noticing is a lack of fruit in the lives of Christians like myself because we are stuck in our personal views of scripture.
How can we all be reading the same bible yet come to such different conclusions? Some believing in the complete sovereignty of God, some leaning more into a man's choice, some wearing skirts, some believing that one day is more holy to worship, some viewing the new testament Jesus as a flip flop wearing, forgiver of all, even if you don't ask kind of God.
I have been pondering, deep in thought, observing, listening, watching, hearing, and taking all of it in. What I have seen, heard, and experienced is a state of barrenness.
I wonder what would happen if instead of increasing in our own knowledge, we sought the wisdom and knowledge of God? (Philippians 1:9-11Philippians 1:9-11King James Version (KJV)
9 And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;
10 That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.
11 Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.) What if being right took a back seat to being holy and pure, loving and kind, sincere and faithful? What if we begged the Lord to fill the womb of our soul the way Hannah begged for a child?
I have thought about the birth pains. When you are struggling to conceive either naturally or through adoption (waiting for a child is comparable to infertility), you don't think about the pregnancy and delivery. Morning sickness, swelling ankles, sleepless nights before and after the baby, all of that is out of the mind of a woman desiring a baby. This earth is experiencing birth pains. Christians are perishing daily, people are lovers of themselves, women are losing the natural affection toward their children, men's conscience are seared.
We need to become pregnant with the fruit of the spirit. In humility seeking the truth and speaking it in love, speaking from a place of remembrance. Remembering where we were when Jesus drew us and saved our souls. Being patient with other believers and not judging so harshly if they don't do "church" the way we do. Living and serving like it is our last day, with the passion of a barren woman.
As I was praying and meditating on the word barrenness I decided to look it up. I found the definition listed above and I thought to myself, "that is it!" It explained the state of our country, the state of the church, the state of us as Christians....WE are barren.
God has allowed my husband and I to meet many Christians, in many different seasons of their faith, at many different places in their doctorial beliefs. What we have noticed is how everyone has their own personal bias based on their presuppositions, their history in the church, their circumstances and life experiences. What I am noticing is a lack of fruit in the lives of Christians like myself because we are stuck in our personal views of scripture.
How can we all be reading the same bible yet come to such different conclusions? Some believing in the complete sovereignty of God, some leaning more into a man's choice, some wearing skirts, some believing that one day is more holy to worship, some viewing the new testament Jesus as a flip flop wearing, forgiver of all, even if you don't ask kind of God.
I have been pondering, deep in thought, observing, listening, watching, hearing, and taking all of it in. What I have seen, heard, and experienced is a state of barrenness.
I wonder what would happen if instead of increasing in our own knowledge, we sought the wisdom and knowledge of God? (Philippians 1:9-11Philippians 1:9-11King James Version (KJV)
9 And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;
10 That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.
11 Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.) What if being right took a back seat to being holy and pure, loving and kind, sincere and faithful? What if we begged the Lord to fill the womb of our soul the way Hannah begged for a child?
I have thought about the birth pains. When you are struggling to conceive either naturally or through adoption (waiting for a child is comparable to infertility), you don't think about the pregnancy and delivery. Morning sickness, swelling ankles, sleepless nights before and after the baby, all of that is out of the mind of a woman desiring a baby. This earth is experiencing birth pains. Christians are perishing daily, people are lovers of themselves, women are losing the natural affection toward their children, men's conscience are seared.
We need to become pregnant with the fruit of the spirit. In humility seeking the truth and speaking it in love, speaking from a place of remembrance. Remembering where we were when Jesus drew us and saved our souls. Being patient with other believers and not judging so harshly if they don't do "church" the way we do. Living and serving like it is our last day, with the passion of a barren woman.
2 Peter 1 King James Version (KJV)
1 Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:
2 Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord,3 According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
9 But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
10 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:
11 For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
12 Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth.
13 Yea, I think it meet, as long as I am in this tabernacle, to stir you up by putting you in remembrance;
14 Knowing that shortly I must put off this my tabernacle, even as our Lord Jesus Christ hath shewed me.
15 Moreover I will endeavour that ye may be able after my decease to have these things always in remembrance.
16 For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty.
17 For he received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
18 And this voice which came from heaven we heard, when we were with him in the holy mount.
19 We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts:
20 Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.
21 For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Erecting My Blog with Bold Admissions and Private Struggles.
I have become a Christian atheist. Yes, you heard me correctly and please don't judge me just yet. It hit me today like a ton of bricks, my lack of faith and trust in our creator. If there is one thing I have never felt I lacked, it is FAITH. I realized recently through struggles and pain I have developed a spirit of fear that has doused my faith.
When my sister was killed 15 years ago my faith was made stronger, I clung to the hem of Jesus's garment, He carried me, I trusted that He was good, He was faithful, He was still in complete control. The past 3 years however, have made me different, not different good, different bad. I trusted in a woman that claimed to be a Christian, I trusted her to chose a child for our family, we gave of ourselves completely to her in many ways. I BELIEVED in her. I believed we would parent a child from Haiti. We prayed for this child. After what I believe was spiritual abuse I became calloused to Christians. That sounds so contradictory, huh? How could I, a Christian doubt Christians and Christianity? It started at first to be a doubt in man. I have witnessed, watched through saddened eyes as Christians have betrayed, hurt, accused, and have continually chose the path of un-forgiveness. These Christians are people that I have trusted and look up to, men that I believe have a close relationship to God, men in prominent positions. They have deeply wounded friends, people I love, and they continue to chose darkness. (the bible clearly states that if you hate your brother you are in the darkness)
I see the broken, the fornicator, the idolater, the homosexual, the drunkard, the abortionist, the wretch, the ones that are JUST.LIKE.YOU and ME. They are thrown away, ignored, treated like they are untouchable, unsavable, unlovable. I watch, I see, and it has changed me.
I have been in a dark place for a long time. I thought it was directed toward my brother's and sister's (sin on my part by the way), but it has become personal between God and I. I have started to have fear and anxiety, believing the lies of the enemy, allowing my thoughts to be held captive, I have LOST my FAITH. Let me clarify right away, I am saved, I love God, I have never stopped loving HIM. My prayer life isn't the same, I don't pray with the fervency that I used to, and my bible reading has become mundane, but I know I am His.
I was praying today, admitting out loud that I don't trust the Lord to protect me anymore, to love me, to cherish me, to answer my prayers, I don't believe that He cares about me anymore. I hurt too bad, I have struggled too much, I have lost a lot. Then it came to me I am believing......I am believing the enemy. This scripture came to my mind and out of my mouth, "Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I have allowed my thought life to become dark, negative, unfaithful, unbelieving, irritated, cynical, and UGLY. I have not been thinking on what is good, my beautiful Christian husband, 3 beautiful children, a comfortable home, a job I love, friends, family, and a GOD who LOVES me so much that HE draws me in and washes me. OH, what a perfect friend HE is.
I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone today that is struggling with fear and unbelief. Our feelings, the actions of others, our lack of faith will never change God.
When my sister was killed 15 years ago my faith was made stronger, I clung to the hem of Jesus's garment, He carried me, I trusted that He was good, He was faithful, He was still in complete control. The past 3 years however, have made me different, not different good, different bad. I trusted in a woman that claimed to be a Christian, I trusted her to chose a child for our family, we gave of ourselves completely to her in many ways. I BELIEVED in her. I believed we would parent a child from Haiti. We prayed for this child. After what I believe was spiritual abuse I became calloused to Christians. That sounds so contradictory, huh? How could I, a Christian doubt Christians and Christianity? It started at first to be a doubt in man. I have witnessed, watched through saddened eyes as Christians have betrayed, hurt, accused, and have continually chose the path of un-forgiveness. These Christians are people that I have trusted and look up to, men that I believe have a close relationship to God, men in prominent positions. They have deeply wounded friends, people I love, and they continue to chose darkness. (the bible clearly states that if you hate your brother you are in the darkness)
I see the broken, the fornicator, the idolater, the homosexual, the drunkard, the abortionist, the wretch, the ones that are JUST.LIKE.YOU and ME. They are thrown away, ignored, treated like they are untouchable, unsavable, unlovable. I watch, I see, and it has changed me.
I have been in a dark place for a long time. I thought it was directed toward my brother's and sister's (sin on my part by the way), but it has become personal between God and I. I have started to have fear and anxiety, believing the lies of the enemy, allowing my thoughts to be held captive, I have LOST my FAITH. Let me clarify right away, I am saved, I love God, I have never stopped loving HIM. My prayer life isn't the same, I don't pray with the fervency that I used to, and my bible reading has become mundane, but I know I am His.
I was praying today, admitting out loud that I don't trust the Lord to protect me anymore, to love me, to cherish me, to answer my prayers, I don't believe that He cares about me anymore. I hurt too bad, I have struggled too much, I have lost a lot. Then it came to me I am believing......I am believing the enemy. This scripture came to my mind and out of my mouth, "Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I have allowed my thought life to become dark, negative, unfaithful, unbelieving, irritated, cynical, and UGLY. I have not been thinking on what is good, my beautiful Christian husband, 3 beautiful children, a comfortable home, a job I love, friends, family, and a GOD who LOVES me so much that HE draws me in and washes me. OH, what a perfect friend HE is.
I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone today that is struggling with fear and unbelief. Our feelings, the actions of others, our lack of faith will never change God.
Monday, February 24, 2014
A Baby Named "B"
We have had the awesome privilege of having a newborn baby in our home for 3 days. I will keep the details of why private to protect her story.
How do you fall madly in love with a 6 pound little girl? I had no intentions to do so, but I have. A perfect little reflection of our Creators masterwork. She IS a masterpiece. Painted perfectly in the image of Christ. I brought her home on Saturday, beaming and glowing like a new mom, busting inside to show the world this girl.
I will be taking her to her permanent mommy and daddy tomorrow. I thought this would be easy, that I wouldn't fall so in love, that my heart could take it. I was so wrong.
We have all taken her in, her smell, her sounds, her little smile she smiles in her sleep. The kids have held her as much as humanly possible. Lily took her time and chose the perfect blanket for her to have for always. Sam and Eli helped me pick the perfect outfits. Sam, "Mommy look at this one! Isn't it CUUUUTE...." Eli, "Lap, mama, lap, baby, lap, mama." They have fallen hard. And my husband.......? Let's just say he is smitten.
My heart is broken today at the thought of her leaving. I have wondered why so many doors have closed for us. After loosing Rebekah there is an emptiness here that I have been anticipating God to fill. I keep waiting for Him to bless us with another child. I love children. This baby has made me realize just how much. Her 3 days here have made me see Eli through new eyes. So grateful all over again for the miracle of his adoption. I cherish the two God so graciously wrought in my womb.
This girl, this bundle of JOY, this blessing, special, formed, created, to be in a FAMILY. She has made me see anew my own obedience and faith. When we are called to Christ we have an idea that Christianity is easy. It is church, fellowship, some witnessing mixed in there too. But it is so much more. With each child that I have had to let go of a piece of my heart goes with them. I thought to myself tonight as I held "B", "Isn't this CHIRSTianity?" Through loss and pain we start to look more like Jesus, the GOD man. He took on this flesh with all of its hurts and pain. The suffering He bore for us.
God is using the perfect innocence of children to chip away at my humanity, teaching me, and growing me up in my faith. One day to be perfect when His sanctification has been perfected in me.
I keep praying that He would see fit to give us another child. If He doesn't I will continue to love and pray for the ones that He places in my path.
To "B": You are special, you are sweet, you are a fearfully and wonderfully made creation. I thank God for you little one. I pray that you will grow up to serve your DADDY God. He loves you so!
How do you fall madly in love with a 6 pound little girl? I had no intentions to do so, but I have. A perfect little reflection of our Creators masterwork. She IS a masterpiece. Painted perfectly in the image of Christ. I brought her home on Saturday, beaming and glowing like a new mom, busting inside to show the world this girl.
I will be taking her to her permanent mommy and daddy tomorrow. I thought this would be easy, that I wouldn't fall so in love, that my heart could take it. I was so wrong.
We have all taken her in, her smell, her sounds, her little smile she smiles in her sleep. The kids have held her as much as humanly possible. Lily took her time and chose the perfect blanket for her to have for always. Sam and Eli helped me pick the perfect outfits. Sam, "Mommy look at this one! Isn't it CUUUUTE...." Eli, "Lap, mama, lap, baby, lap, mama." They have fallen hard. And my husband.......? Let's just say he is smitten.
My heart is broken today at the thought of her leaving. I have wondered why so many doors have closed for us. After loosing Rebekah there is an emptiness here that I have been anticipating God to fill. I keep waiting for Him to bless us with another child. I love children. This baby has made me realize just how much. Her 3 days here have made me see Eli through new eyes. So grateful all over again for the miracle of his adoption. I cherish the two God so graciously wrought in my womb.
This girl, this bundle of JOY, this blessing, special, formed, created, to be in a FAMILY. She has made me see anew my own obedience and faith. When we are called to Christ we have an idea that Christianity is easy. It is church, fellowship, some witnessing mixed in there too. But it is so much more. With each child that I have had to let go of a piece of my heart goes with them. I thought to myself tonight as I held "B", "Isn't this CHIRSTianity?" Through loss and pain we start to look more like Jesus, the GOD man. He took on this flesh with all of its hurts and pain. The suffering He bore for us.
God is using the perfect innocence of children to chip away at my humanity, teaching me, and growing me up in my faith. One day to be perfect when His sanctification has been perfected in me.
I keep praying that He would see fit to give us another child. If He doesn't I will continue to love and pray for the ones that He places in my path.
To "B": You are special, you are sweet, you are a fearfully and wonderfully made creation. I thank God for you little one. I pray that you will grow up to serve your DADDY God. He loves you so!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Pondering the Babe......
This time of year always brings conflict in my head. I struggle with the excess of it all, while trying to enjoy the sweetness of it. I want to think on my Savior, but I get caught up in the stuff. I love watching the kids open gifts with eyes full of wonder and I cry because there are kids that have no wonder.
The media sites have made it so that we see and hear the conflicts that are taking place immediately. This too consumes our minds and hearts. We as Christians struggle to determine how to handle sin and the worldly. We live here on this sphere, ever turning, ever so small in comparison to the great galaxy that our God created, we live. Others are suffering, dying, gasping for their very breath, while we fight over words and homosexuality.
All of this has me thinking about the Babe, the One that was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a filthy manger. I have been reading and looking for Him this year. Where is He in our conversations, where is He when we are battling with right and wrong, where is He in the obscene amount of gifts around the tree? The Babe, the Christ, the King, that came for you and for me, a chosen vessel to die for our sin on a tree. How does His heart ache for us, the ones He came for?
How it must hurt Him to see us consumed with the consumable, the things of this world that are perishing even now. How He looks and sees the money that we spend on the frivolous, all the while the poor are suffering. Don't get me wrong and don't judge my words, I am with you. I enjoy what He has so graciously blessed me with. Solomon urged us to enjoy what God has given us, to enjoy what we work for. That is not what I am saying. I'm saying how does it feel to be the God of the universe come down as a Babe, a squalling infant, birthed from a human womb, born to a carpenter, no one in your own hometown receiving you? To be HIM and see us in our sin, choosing to stay here, in the mire, and filth of our humanness. Saying we LOVE, throwing around that word like a band aid that heals all wounds. We say we LOVE, but do we show our LOVE?
I think on Him and His life here. How He came in the lowest estate, G-O-D came as a Babe. He could have came robed in fine garments, a kingly robe, a crown, but He came as a baby. A young girl no doubt scared as her contractions came, her womb tightening around our Savior, the baby descending into her pelvis for birth. CHRIST birthed......
He grew into a man, our Christ, our Lord. He sat and ate with the vilest sinners in town. He didn't have to argue sin, His light and His words brought conviction. They came and found HIM, the dirty, the drunk, the whore, the bleeding, they found the BABE. He SAVES the wretch. No matter your sin, whether it be fornication, adultery, drunkenness, homosexuality, lust, gluttony, lying, pornography, cutting, pride, hatred, He SAVES.
We "celebrate" His birth on a day, we call it Christmas. We prepare for months, buying gifts, wrapping them, baking cookies, elves on the shelves, reindeer food, tinsel, and balls, but what if we truly looked for the Babe and found Him in the chaos? What if we took the time to sit with sinners? What would happen to Christianity if we looked like the BABE? If we stopped caring about our appearance, what we have, what we don't have, and we GAVE the gift of CHRIST. If our light shown like the Christmas star, what would happen? Our kindness leading sinners to repentance.
We have received the greatest GIFT in the BABE. It is so cliché to say that He is a gift, but where would you be without the giving? I would be lost, depressed, wallowing in self pity, a sinner girl dead.
The Babe called me by name, He drew me unto Himself, and He washed me. Those who knew me before can testify to the change. This didn't not happen because of me. I am not good, I am not kind, I am not clean. I want to illuminate the manger this year with the promise of grace and truth.
This Christmas I pray that you seek the Babe, that you look, and find HIM. I pray that you will stop for a moment and thank Him for coming. Bow before our Lord and give HIM praise. I hope that we all can determine in our hearts a balance in this world. Balance the spiritual while living in this realm. Be kind and generous to others. We are here to be like Him, the Babe, the KING, the glorious LORD of all.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The media sites have made it so that we see and hear the conflicts that are taking place immediately. This too consumes our minds and hearts. We as Christians struggle to determine how to handle sin and the worldly. We live here on this sphere, ever turning, ever so small in comparison to the great galaxy that our God created, we live. Others are suffering, dying, gasping for their very breath, while we fight over words and homosexuality.
All of this has me thinking about the Babe, the One that was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a filthy manger. I have been reading and looking for Him this year. Where is He in our conversations, where is He when we are battling with right and wrong, where is He in the obscene amount of gifts around the tree? The Babe, the Christ, the King, that came for you and for me, a chosen vessel to die for our sin on a tree. How does His heart ache for us, the ones He came for?
How it must hurt Him to see us consumed with the consumable, the things of this world that are perishing even now. How He looks and sees the money that we spend on the frivolous, all the while the poor are suffering. Don't get me wrong and don't judge my words, I am with you. I enjoy what He has so graciously blessed me with. Solomon urged us to enjoy what God has given us, to enjoy what we work for. That is not what I am saying. I'm saying how does it feel to be the God of the universe come down as a Babe, a squalling infant, birthed from a human womb, born to a carpenter, no one in your own hometown receiving you? To be HIM and see us in our sin, choosing to stay here, in the mire, and filth of our humanness. Saying we LOVE, throwing around that word like a band aid that heals all wounds. We say we LOVE, but do we show our LOVE?
I think on Him and His life here. How He came in the lowest estate, G-O-D came as a Babe. He could have came robed in fine garments, a kingly robe, a crown, but He came as a baby. A young girl no doubt scared as her contractions came, her womb tightening around our Savior, the baby descending into her pelvis for birth. CHRIST birthed......
He grew into a man, our Christ, our Lord. He sat and ate with the vilest sinners in town. He didn't have to argue sin, His light and His words brought conviction. They came and found HIM, the dirty, the drunk, the whore, the bleeding, they found the BABE. He SAVES the wretch. No matter your sin, whether it be fornication, adultery, drunkenness, homosexuality, lust, gluttony, lying, pornography, cutting, pride, hatred, He SAVES.
We "celebrate" His birth on a day, we call it Christmas. We prepare for months, buying gifts, wrapping them, baking cookies, elves on the shelves, reindeer food, tinsel, and balls, but what if we truly looked for the Babe and found Him in the chaos? What if we took the time to sit with sinners? What would happen to Christianity if we looked like the BABE? If we stopped caring about our appearance, what we have, what we don't have, and we GAVE the gift of CHRIST. If our light shown like the Christmas star, what would happen? Our kindness leading sinners to repentance.
We have received the greatest GIFT in the BABE. It is so cliché to say that He is a gift, but where would you be without the giving? I would be lost, depressed, wallowing in self pity, a sinner girl dead.
The Babe called me by name, He drew me unto Himself, and He washed me. Those who knew me before can testify to the change. This didn't not happen because of me. I am not good, I am not kind, I am not clean. I want to illuminate the manger this year with the promise of grace and truth.
This Christmas I pray that you seek the Babe, that you look, and find HIM. I pray that you will stop for a moment and thank Him for coming. Bow before our Lord and give HIM praise. I hope that we all can determine in our hearts a balance in this world. Balance the spiritual while living in this realm. Be kind and generous to others. We are here to be like Him, the Babe, the KING, the glorious LORD of all.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
The End of Our Adoption Story.........
October 21, 2013
It has been 8 days since my plane touched down on American soil. For 8 days I have been toiling. Wondering how I will write this post. I feel a need to please everyone. We have had complaints of our Speak Out blog being too emotional, too harsh, too demeaning, so I decided to post here. I have tried to think of how I would write this chapter without emotion. I have found that this is an impossible task. This journey has been wrought with emotion; ups and downs, hills and valleys. I can't tell this story without emotion, without the fear, the dread, the utter sadness of it all. So please, reader, bear with me as I try to articulate the pain and the beauty of our story.
On October 7, 2013, I set out on a mission: a mission to find the truth, a mission to find a daughter. I flew into Haiti after weeks of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the “what ifs.” I arrived, and I felt it; that feeling that I feel in Haiti, the connection to a people. I smelled the fragrance of burning coals, heard the bustling in the streets and saw the people, the people that I have grown to love. This mission was burned into my heart. I could not let a lie keep me from the truth.
On August 13, 2013, we received a letter from Voice of the Orphan stating that R's mom had revoked her consent to adopt. See my blog post here. On September 12, 2013, we received the following fake revocation of adoption from Voice of The Orphan. This fake document would be my grace from God. I had been begging for months for information in regards to R's history and birth parents, but I had never received any of the information. This document led me to her: to the woman who held R in her womb.
On October 7, 2013, I set out on a mission: a mission to find the truth, a mission to find a daughter. I flew into Haiti after weeks of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the “what ifs.” I arrived, and I felt it; that feeling that I feel in Haiti, the connection to a people. I smelled the fragrance of burning coals, heard the bustling in the streets and saw the people, the people that I have grown to love. This mission was burned into my heart. I could not let a lie keep me from the truth.
On August 13, 2013, we received a letter from Voice of the Orphan stating that R's mom had revoked her consent to adopt. See my blog post here. On September 12, 2013, we received the following fake revocation of adoption from Voice of The Orphan. This fake document would be my grace from God. I had been begging for months for information in regards to R's history and birth parents, but I had never received any of the information. This document led me to her: to the woman who held R in her womb.
(Fake Revocation Of Consent to Adopt. R's mother never appeared in court and she never revoked her consent to adopt.)
I have often thought of her. What is she like? Is she good? Where does she live? Where was R born? I had booked the trip to Haiti determined to find her, and to find out the answers to my questions. Just days before I traveled, someone found her. They found her living in extreme poverty. This person told her that I was requesting to meet with her to discuss the legality of the adoption as well as R's future, and she agreed.
This mother, showing great resilience, borrowed money from neighbors, took a taxi to the crèche, and waited for over 3 hours as they retrieved her daughter. Heather Elyse had been hiding R in her personal home, but she was now with a woman they call Madame Pastor's Wife. I assume Heather had to hide her to keep up the lie she had told (that R's mom had taken her back). G (R's mom) then walked to a secret location where a van waited to bring her to me.
I was so nervous and prayed continually throughout the morning. I was doubting she would come, and I couldn't believe that she would bring R. She made a 1 1/2 hour trip to Port au Prince to meet with me. I walked to meet her at the gate. There she was, beautiful, just as I had imagined. She was holding R. R smiled the biggest smile and hugged me tight. They came and sat with us for hours. During this time my heart was broken. I watched as a little girl I have loved from afar love her mommy. She clung to her. They smiled at each other. They LOVE each other.
I asked all the questions I had prepared. Did she understand adoption? Did she want me to parent R? Did she know that she wouldn't see her again? Her answers astounded me. She had no idea what adoption was. She thought I would bring R frequently to see her. She asked me to buy her a phone so she could call her every week. She didn't understand that R would lose her language within 6 months of coming to America. She was looking for someone to feed and clothe her daughter, she wasn't looking for another family for her.
It was time to leave. R gave me two big kisses on the lips, we sang Jesus loves me, and our ABC's. I got into the car and wept. I saw R as G's daughter. She is not mine. God formed her in the womb of a poor mother in Haiti. Poverty does not an orphan make. G wants her daughter! G sent R with another biological mom that we have since found out was being paid to find kids for the creche. G couldn't feed her daughter. She is 26 years old with 3 other children and no job: she had no means to support another child. She is a strong, healthy woman, but mostly she is a mom.
R is now with her mom. Reunited with the woman that birthed her into this world. I am home. I go into the room that was prepared for her, I see the excess of clothes, the new bunk beds for her and her big sissy...but it's not enough. Our love, our wealth, it is not enough to take her from her mom, from her home, from her culture.
I thought I would be saving an impoverished little girl, but through this, she has saved me. She has saved me from thinking that somehow our family is better, that somehow being here would lead her to Jesus. She has taught me the truth of God's providence. He can use her in Haiti. Her mother, with help, can be empowered to take care of HER children. I can support them from afar, I can LOVE her still.
Love is what this is. Love is caring for a woman and her 4 children. Love is not selfish and doing what makes me and my family FEEL good. Love is sacrifice.
This mother, showing great resilience, borrowed money from neighbors, took a taxi to the crèche, and waited for over 3 hours as they retrieved her daughter. Heather Elyse had been hiding R in her personal home, but she was now with a woman they call Madame Pastor's Wife. I assume Heather had to hide her to keep up the lie she had told (that R's mom had taken her back). G (R's mom) then walked to a secret location where a van waited to bring her to me.
I was so nervous and prayed continually throughout the morning. I was doubting she would come, and I couldn't believe that she would bring R. She made a 1 1/2 hour trip to Port au Prince to meet with me. I walked to meet her at the gate. There she was, beautiful, just as I had imagined. She was holding R. R smiled the biggest smile and hugged me tight. They came and sat with us for hours. During this time my heart was broken. I watched as a little girl I have loved from afar love her mommy. She clung to her. They smiled at each other. They LOVE each other.
I asked all the questions I had prepared. Did she understand adoption? Did she want me to parent R? Did she know that she wouldn't see her again? Her answers astounded me. She had no idea what adoption was. She thought I would bring R frequently to see her. She asked me to buy her a phone so she could call her every week. She didn't understand that R would lose her language within 6 months of coming to America. She was looking for someone to feed and clothe her daughter, she wasn't looking for another family for her.
It was time to leave. R gave me two big kisses on the lips, we sang Jesus loves me, and our ABC's. I got into the car and wept. I saw R as G's daughter. She is not mine. God formed her in the womb of a poor mother in Haiti. Poverty does not an orphan make. G wants her daughter! G sent R with another biological mom that we have since found out was being paid to find kids for the creche. G couldn't feed her daughter. She is 26 years old with 3 other children and no job: she had no means to support another child. She is a strong, healthy woman, but mostly she is a mom.
R is now with her mom. Reunited with the woman that birthed her into this world. I am home. I go into the room that was prepared for her, I see the excess of clothes, the new bunk beds for her and her big sissy...but it's not enough. Our love, our wealth, it is not enough to take her from her mom, from her home, from her culture.
I thought I would be saving an impoverished little girl, but through this, she has saved me. She has saved me from thinking that somehow our family is better, that somehow being here would lead her to Jesus. She has taught me the truth of God's providence. He can use her in Haiti. Her mother, with help, can be empowered to take care of HER children. I can support them from afar, I can LOVE her still.
Love is what this is. Love is caring for a woman and her 4 children. Love is not selfish and doing what makes me and my family FEEL good. Love is sacrifice.
Out of our family's tragedy came restoration. Out of our loss came great gain. Out of the lies and deception, hope was born. If you want to help support moms like G, if you want to empower them to keep their children, if you want to not only say, “be warm and filled,” but you want to warm and fill a family, go to:
Empowering Haitian Moms
P.O. Box 4142
Chesterfield MO 63006
Or Paypal at empoweringhaitainmoms@gmail.com
P.O. Box 4142
Chesterfield MO 63006
Or Paypal at empoweringhaitainmoms@gmail.com
Please write “Restoration” in the memo.
All donations are tax deductible.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
God Still Sends a Rainbow......
For those of you that have followed or read my blog I'm sure you noticed the shift. My blog started out as a journal. I wanted to have every detail written down in regards to our adoption. The shift came and I started writing about facing giants and fighting a good fight. Since last November I have known something wasn't right with our agency. I knew then that God was calling me to do VERY hard things. He has raised me and many others up to be a voice for the fatherless.
You can continue this journey with me and the other families at: Speaking Out
Please continue to pray for sweet Rebekah. I have no idea where she is, but I know God is protecting her and watching her. We serve a great BIG God who SEES and knows everything. I trust Him and He is always sending me rainbows as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.
You can continue this journey with me and the other families at: Speaking Out
Please continue to pray for sweet Rebekah. I have no idea where she is, but I know God is protecting her and watching her. We serve a great BIG God who SEES and knows everything. I trust Him and He is always sending me rainbows as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Facing A Giant
We all have heard the story of a little shepherd boy that defeated the giant with a stone and a sling. We have looked through picture books depicting David as a small, fragile, and weak looking boy.
I was crying out to the Lord about a certain situation I am currently in. I was asking Him how in the world could I face such a giant. He spoke and reminded me of David. A shepherd boy tending his flock, a boy that was dearly loved by his God. He was spoke of in Samuel 16:18 as, "a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him." David is described as, "ruddy, with beautiful eyes, and he was handsome." Something else we know about David was his musical talent and ability. So here we have a handsome young man out in the fields tending his sheep all the while humming a tune. I wonder if it was there God was preparing David? As David gently led his sheep. As he took his shepherd's hook and tenderly led one back to the fold. As he sang praises to God and made melody in his heart. Was it then that God was rising up a warrior? Did David know when he was single handedly slaying bears and lions for the sake of his sheep that this was a sharpening of his skills for war?
David was ready only because of his trust and faith in a holy God. He knew who it was that protected him and gave him strength. David said in 1 Samuel 17:37, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." He trusted in the Lord so much that he took off the warriors armor and took up five stones. Can you imagine running toward a 9-10 foot giant with a rock? David trusted God.
I look at my own life and I wonder. I wonder if the trials that I have faced have prepared me for this battle? As the Lord looks upon me does He see a faithful servant, a warrior ready to fight?
He is worthy of this battle and I'm trusting Him to defeat my enemy. The Lord will prevail and I will give Him praise. It looks as if the enemy will win. Just like goliath my foe is a giant, powerful, and full of deceit. A liar that cloaks themselves in religious jargon and eloquent speech. There has to be a preparation time before we approach our enemy, we have to know their weapons. satan disguises himself as an angel of light, he is cunning, crafty, and sneaks in unnoticed. If it were possible he could deceive the elect of God. That is my enemies weapons of warfare looking so much like me they don't appear to be the enemy.
I am praying that God will prepare my heart, my soul, and my spirit for this battle. I am fighting it for HIM.....For His honor....And to bring Him glory.
I was crying out to the Lord about a certain situation I am currently in. I was asking Him how in the world could I face such a giant. He spoke and reminded me of David. A shepherd boy tending his flock, a boy that was dearly loved by his God. He was spoke of in Samuel 16:18 as, "a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him." David is described as, "ruddy, with beautiful eyes, and he was handsome." Something else we know about David was his musical talent and ability. So here we have a handsome young man out in the fields tending his sheep all the while humming a tune. I wonder if it was there God was preparing David? As David gently led his sheep. As he took his shepherd's hook and tenderly led one back to the fold. As he sang praises to God and made melody in his heart. Was it then that God was rising up a warrior? Did David know when he was single handedly slaying bears and lions for the sake of his sheep that this was a sharpening of his skills for war?
David was ready only because of his trust and faith in a holy God. He knew who it was that protected him and gave him strength. David said in 1 Samuel 17:37, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." He trusted in the Lord so much that he took off the warriors armor and took up five stones. Can you imagine running toward a 9-10 foot giant with a rock? David trusted God.
I look at my own life and I wonder. I wonder if the trials that I have faced have prepared me for this battle? As the Lord looks upon me does He see a faithful servant, a warrior ready to fight?
He is worthy of this battle and I'm trusting Him to defeat my enemy. The Lord will prevail and I will give Him praise. It looks as if the enemy will win. Just like goliath my foe is a giant, powerful, and full of deceit. A liar that cloaks themselves in religious jargon and eloquent speech. There has to be a preparation time before we approach our enemy, we have to know their weapons. satan disguises himself as an angel of light, he is cunning, crafty, and sneaks in unnoticed. If it were possible he could deceive the elect of God. That is my enemies weapons of warfare looking so much like me they don't appear to be the enemy.
I am praying that God will prepare my heart, my soul, and my spirit for this battle. I am fighting it for HIM.....For His honor....And to bring Him glory.
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Brave Little Tailor
When our daughter auditioned for the play, "The Brave Little Tailor" little did I know it would change me.
A play, a childrens play, little kids reciting words learned, changed me. Through the plot, the courage and bravery of the Little Tailor, but mostly through a little boy. A little boy named Mark Kelly.
Mark Kelly has cancer. I have watched for weeks as he comes into play practice so eager to perform. His body is enduring chemotherapy, he has lost his hair, his skin is peeling, and he has blisters on his body. Lily tells me, "Mom if Mark Kelly has to vomit during the play we act it out like he always disappears."
I have watched this little boy run the race with endurance. No complaints, no negative words, just a little boy excited to play a part.
Mark Kelly has unknowingly taught me how to continue my race on this earth with joy, peace, and contentment.
It is no coincidence that he plays the part of the Brave Little Tailor. The story is one of bravery and courage. The Tailor is commissioned to save the princess from the EVIL giants.
I am currently fighting my own giants. I too am trying to save a little princess from the EVIL giants.
Mark Kelly has given me an example. Through this little boy God has shown me how good will triumph evil. How although he is physically suffering, his body hurting, his spirit is still soaring. He is battling out his faith on this earth. To us, to our human mind his suffering seems like a curse from God. We ask why? Why would God allow a little boy to suffer? I am one of the reasons. Through his suffering I am encouraged. There is a prize for our faith. As we run this race with Christ, He is faithful to help us finish it, and at the end He will crown us.
To you Mark Kelly....Thank you! Thank you for your bravery.....it is unmatched.......
A play, a childrens play, little kids reciting words learned, changed me. Through the plot, the courage and bravery of the Little Tailor, but mostly through a little boy. A little boy named Mark Kelly.
Mark Kelly has cancer. I have watched for weeks as he comes into play practice so eager to perform. His body is enduring chemotherapy, he has lost his hair, his skin is peeling, and he has blisters on his body. Lily tells me, "Mom if Mark Kelly has to vomit during the play we act it out like he always disappears."
I have watched this little boy run the race with endurance. No complaints, no negative words, just a little boy excited to play a part.
Mark Kelly has unknowingly taught me how to continue my race on this earth with joy, peace, and contentment.
It is no coincidence that he plays the part of the Brave Little Tailor. The story is one of bravery and courage. The Tailor is commissioned to save the princess from the EVIL giants.
I am currently fighting my own giants. I too am trying to save a little princess from the EVIL giants.
Mark Kelly has given me an example. Through this little boy God has shown me how good will triumph evil. How although he is physically suffering, his body hurting, his spirit is still soaring. He is battling out his faith on this earth. To us, to our human mind his suffering seems like a curse from God. We ask why? Why would God allow a little boy to suffer? I am one of the reasons. Through his suffering I am encouraged. There is a prize for our faith. As we run this race with Christ, He is faithful to help us finish it, and at the end He will crown us.
To you Mark Kelly....Thank you! Thank you for your bravery.....it is unmatched.......
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET REBEKAH
It has been 15 long months since we slipped these shoes on our princess Rebekah.
Got all of this paperwork to Haiti to start the process to make her our.......
We are have been devoted to prayer and diligent to pray her home.
Today she is turning 4.
Without her FAMILY, cake, ice cream, the happy birthday songs, and presents galore.
This beautiful girl, full of life, personality, giggles, and smiles.
Is in a faraway land waiting for us to bring her home.
Longing for the Lord to perform the miraculous. Holding tight to the hem of my saviours garment as I rest in His plan for our lives. Longing to hold a girl that when ask in Kreole this Febuary who I was replied, "This is my mama!" The little girl that begged to go with me when I had to leave her behind. Listening as Lily and Sam pray EVERYDAY without fail, "Dear Jesus, Please bring Rebekah home soon."
Decorating a room for her. Picking bedding with a dollhouse and making sure it had a brown girl on it. Bunk Beds, a closet full of clothes, thoughts, and dreams of the added laughter in our house. Another little helper in the kitchen, snuggles, kissing ochies, and making everything ALL better.
Please help me pray for our birthday girl today! Pray for her safety, pray for a quick homecoming, pray a special birthday blessing for her, and pray for her to know how VERY much she is
LOVED!
Friday, July 5, 2013
The Pearl Of GREAT price.
I am currently walking through a vast field of HARD. I can't go into everything my family and I are facing, but you all know about my dad. There is so much more, so complex, so deep, so difficult. I have news though, good news the Lord is with me. He is leading me and He is teaching me what true peace that passes understanding really is. I can say I now know how Paul counted it ALL joy.
God has been speaking to me throughout the day today. He has been bringing His perfect word to my mind. That is why it is so important to hide it in our hearts. He says to me, "I will go before you! I will fight for you! I love you with an everlasting love! I make your paths straight! I will NEVER leave or forsake you!" His word is a healing balm to my soul.
I ask my family to come together in the floor to cry out to the Lord. What I found in my prayer was only praise. Praise for the pearl of GREAT price. "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45 My name is written in the Lamb's book of life! I have a treasure hidden that some men can't even understand. This world will always be hard. Bad things will happen to good people. Evil looks as if it will prevail. The kids and I were just studying that fact this morning. I know a secret though found in the word of God. He wins! It is won! It is finished!
Jesus is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit and truth. Truth is light and light is truth. Light dispels the darkness and the darkness can't hide. The truth is He died, rose, and is seated at the right hand of my All Mighty Father making intercession for me. I may struggle, I may hurt, I may feel like my heart is breaking, but God is working in me and through me to accomplish His will.
Standing for truth, standing in belief that I have a pearl that was purchased by the blood of my Saviour. He is worth losing everything for. He says if I'm not willing to leave it all I'm not worthy of Him.
What are you holding on to? What has you bound to this world? What keeps you from looking toward your heavenly inheritance?
I say to you seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added to you. What things? Peace, joy, comfort, peace, joy, comfort, rest, and more peace.
I praise you Jesus for loving me, for sending the Holy Spirit to comfort me, for preparing a kingdom for me, a place of complete rest.
I want to shout HALLELUJAH! Praise you LORD!
God has been speaking to me throughout the day today. He has been bringing His perfect word to my mind. That is why it is so important to hide it in our hearts. He says to me, "I will go before you! I will fight for you! I love you with an everlasting love! I make your paths straight! I will NEVER leave or forsake you!" His word is a healing balm to my soul.
I ask my family to come together in the floor to cry out to the Lord. What I found in my prayer was only praise. Praise for the pearl of GREAT price. "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45 My name is written in the Lamb's book of life! I have a treasure hidden that some men can't even understand. This world will always be hard. Bad things will happen to good people. Evil looks as if it will prevail. The kids and I were just studying that fact this morning. I know a secret though found in the word of God. He wins! It is won! It is finished!
Jesus is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit and truth. Truth is light and light is truth. Light dispels the darkness and the darkness can't hide. The truth is He died, rose, and is seated at the right hand of my All Mighty Father making intercession for me. I may struggle, I may hurt, I may feel like my heart is breaking, but God is working in me and through me to accomplish His will.
Standing for truth, standing in belief that I have a pearl that was purchased by the blood of my Saviour. He is worth losing everything for. He says if I'm not willing to leave it all I'm not worthy of Him.
What are you holding on to? What has you bound to this world? What keeps you from looking toward your heavenly inheritance?
I say to you seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added to you. What things? Peace, joy, comfort, peace, joy, comfort, rest, and more peace.
I praise you Jesus for loving me, for sending the Holy Spirit to comfort me, for preparing a kingdom for me, a place of complete rest.
I want to shout HALLELUJAH! Praise you LORD!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Wrestling.....
Wrestling, continuing to wrestle, wrestling with God, with sin, with confusion, with the enemy, with fear, with doubt, wrestling with a world of hurt.
How do we walk through a world filled with sin? A world with broken babies, babies dead at the hand of their own mother, the hungry, the destitute, sin excused.
Jacob wrestled until God blessed him. He wouldn't let go of the ONE who holds the stars. He held on until daybreak, until his answer came, until he was BLESSED.
I wrestle with the will of God. The why? Is that a lack of faith on my part? Maybe. Faith is a gift of God and I need to wrestle in the closet, my prayer closet until I am blessed with faith. Faith to believe that a Holy God is on the throne ruling and reigning now. That no matter what darkness I walk through, how much deception I experience, how much pain that resides in my heart, I will trust HIM.
Wrestle until my soul is content no matter what comes my way. A little girl in a faraway place that needs a FAMILY. A little girl abandoned. Wrestle as the kids here at home pray for her. Wondering why does it take so LONG to rescue a ORPHAN. Wrestle with governments, powers of darkness, the enemy of my soul that doesn't want to see FAMILIES serving the ONE TRUE GOD.
Wrestle as I behold my dad. My strong daddy that is wasting away. Losing 20 pounds since April. Sad that he can't do what he's used to doing. Wrestle that he will one day leave me and go to heaven. Wrestling knowing that my Father in heaven says He will never leave or forsake me.
Wrestling with apathy and complacency. How can I be so dead when my God is living? He died so that I might live! Have an abundant life.
Wrestle with my sin. How can sin so easily beset us? Struggle with this flesh. The slimy pit of sin keeps my feet from walking the path of righteousness. The inside sins of pride, doubt, apathy, selfish ambition.
Fighting the fight of faith. Encouraged by these words this morning as I wrestle, "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God." Psalms 42:11
Seeking the face of God this morning as I wrestle......
How do we walk through a world filled with sin? A world with broken babies, babies dead at the hand of their own mother, the hungry, the destitute, sin excused.
Jacob wrestled until God blessed him. He wouldn't let go of the ONE who holds the stars. He held on until daybreak, until his answer came, until he was BLESSED.
I wrestle with the will of God. The why? Is that a lack of faith on my part? Maybe. Faith is a gift of God and I need to wrestle in the closet, my prayer closet until I am blessed with faith. Faith to believe that a Holy God is on the throne ruling and reigning now. That no matter what darkness I walk through, how much deception I experience, how much pain that resides in my heart, I will trust HIM.
Wrestle until my soul is content no matter what comes my way. A little girl in a faraway place that needs a FAMILY. A little girl abandoned. Wrestle as the kids here at home pray for her. Wondering why does it take so LONG to rescue a ORPHAN. Wrestle with governments, powers of darkness, the enemy of my soul that doesn't want to see FAMILIES serving the ONE TRUE GOD.
Wrestle as I behold my dad. My strong daddy that is wasting away. Losing 20 pounds since April. Sad that he can't do what he's used to doing. Wrestle that he will one day leave me and go to heaven. Wrestling knowing that my Father in heaven says He will never leave or forsake me.
Wrestling with apathy and complacency. How can I be so dead when my God is living? He died so that I might live! Have an abundant life.
Wrestle with my sin. How can sin so easily beset us? Struggle with this flesh. The slimy pit of sin keeps my feet from walking the path of righteousness. The inside sins of pride, doubt, apathy, selfish ambition.
Fighting the fight of faith. Encouraged by these words this morning as I wrestle, "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God." Psalms 42:11
Seeking the face of God this morning as I wrestle......
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Swirling Winds Of Change
What do you do as the winds rip and tear, sucking the life, sucking your faith. When you hear, read, and feel the force of words spoken on public sites from people that claim the name Christ in their title of "Christian." Fighting a word war over orphaned children. What happens when you see your dad suffer daily, his body racked with pain from a disease that breaks the bones. When you hear of babies drowning under rubble. My faith shakes, swirls, it breaks, and bends. I cry out this morning, "God forgive me! Forgive me when I doubt, when I allow the enemy to sift me and rattle my soul when the winds rage."
I turn to His word, His infallible truth, the letter He left as a balm to my soul, all the answers are found there. To the weather and destruction I say, "But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells." 2 Peter 3:10-13 Heaven is my eternal dwelling place. This material that surrounds me today will be destroyed now or at His coming. I have the promise in His word that after His patience with humanity is played out He will come for me and take me HOME.
To the Christian that is fighting with their brother, picking up and hurling swords over babies orphaned, I say, "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them." 1 John 2:9-11 Hate should never transcend truth. I believe truth should be spoken and children should be spoken for, but our hearts must remain pure in the process.
To the pain and anguish that attacks and kills our physical bodies I say, "Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, 'Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our LORD JESUS CHRIST. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 15:51-58
The promises of God are my strength and my shield in the time of trouble. When the storms rage, the winds blow, the rain pours, I know and I'm persuaded that this trouble is meant to change me. I wrote a blog yesterday titled, "The Calloused Christian." I don't think I will ever post it, it was only meant to show me the condition of my own soul. I was becoming calloused (hardened) to this world. Steeped in self-pity and condemnation I was wallowing in the mire of my own sinfulness. The sin of doubt had taken me captive. As I watched the news and saw the crumpled buildings destroyed by the winds fury, I was changed. When my dad called to tell me his neighbor across the street that we had just seen on Friday being resuscitated died, I was changed. As I sat with my children today and taught them the importance of LOVE over the need for things, I was changed. Winds change us!
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:16-18
Are you willing to be changed? Will you let the HARD winds rip through your pride, envy, and selfish ambition? Tearing apart your flesh and ripping out your sin. Can we forgive today as if it were our last chance? Repair and restore broken relationships, apply love to open wounds, seek the kingdom and it's riches of mercy. He says if we seek we will find, if we ask it will be given. Will you ask today for the winds of change to rock your world for the sake of HIS kingdom and glory?
I praise the MAKER OF THE STORM for walking with me through it.
I turn to His word, His infallible truth, the letter He left as a balm to my soul, all the answers are found there. To the weather and destruction I say, "But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells." 2 Peter 3:10-13 Heaven is my eternal dwelling place. This material that surrounds me today will be destroyed now or at His coming. I have the promise in His word that after His patience with humanity is played out He will come for me and take me HOME.
To the Christian that is fighting with their brother, picking up and hurling swords over babies orphaned, I say, "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them." 1 John 2:9-11 Hate should never transcend truth. I believe truth should be spoken and children should be spoken for, but our hearts must remain pure in the process.
To the pain and anguish that attacks and kills our physical bodies I say, "Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, 'Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our LORD JESUS CHRIST. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 15:51-58
The promises of God are my strength and my shield in the time of trouble. When the storms rage, the winds blow, the rain pours, I know and I'm persuaded that this trouble is meant to change me. I wrote a blog yesterday titled, "The Calloused Christian." I don't think I will ever post it, it was only meant to show me the condition of my own soul. I was becoming calloused (hardened) to this world. Steeped in self-pity and condemnation I was wallowing in the mire of my own sinfulness. The sin of doubt had taken me captive. As I watched the news and saw the crumpled buildings destroyed by the winds fury, I was changed. When my dad called to tell me his neighbor across the street that we had just seen on Friday being resuscitated died, I was changed. As I sat with my children today and taught them the importance of LOVE over the need for things, I was changed. Winds change us!
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:16-18
Are you willing to be changed? Will you let the HARD winds rip through your pride, envy, and selfish ambition? Tearing apart your flesh and ripping out your sin. Can we forgive today as if it were our last chance? Repair and restore broken relationships, apply love to open wounds, seek the kingdom and it's riches of mercy. He says if we seek we will find, if we ask it will be given. Will you ask today for the winds of change to rock your world for the sake of HIS kingdom and glory?
I praise the MAKER OF THE STORM for walking with me through it.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
This Little Light Of Mine
You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5: 14-16
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. Psalm 119:130
I have been pondering for months now, pondering Christianity. Thinking on things that are high and looking to obtain wisdom from above. I have been walking with Christ for fourteen years now, trudging along on this narrow path. I have been burdened for months now, burdened for the Christian. You see, it seems to me that it has become so mainstream to call yourself a Christian. There are post all over facebook and in the social realm of "Christians." I keep thinking about my children. I want them to have an organic and real relationship with the person of Jesus Christ. I don't just want little "Christians."
Unfortunately we are living in a time where people are calling evil good and good evil. If you follow the scripture and walk out your faith in complete abandon and obedience you are labeled misguided, legalistic, or strange. If you call sin, sin you are judgemental. As Christians we have a clear revelation from God in His holy word. We don't have to walk blindly wondering how we should live our lives. We walk by faith.
This woman walked for miles to attend church in Haiti. The little girl below rode her bicycle with her bible on the handlebars.I sat in that church service. There were no lights, no power, complete darkness...except....except for a tiny light at the front of the church. I stood there recognizing the tune of the songs they were singing in creole. We Americans singing in English the Haitians in Creole. I was overwhelmed in the worship. I focused on that tiny light and how it dispelled the darkness. One small light reflecting on the faces, some brown, some black, and some white. All these faces around me lifting up the name of Jesus. Singing in one accord to the ONE true God, the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE. Our voices melded together in praise. That night changed me.
My mind is so consumed with the thought of the church and the Christian walk. What are we supposed to look like? Our deeds are to reflect our faith, but our deeds do not mean we are faithful. Let me explain. If we are truly in a love relationship with Jesus Christ our lives will look different. Our love for Him will compel us to do....faith in action. There is self imposed religion that is rampant in our society today that equates works with salvation, that is not what the bible says. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation, it is a gift straight from God. But the bible also says that faith without works is dead. We as Christians should know the word, know the giver of the word, and know what we are supposed to be doing. We are all called, we are all gifted, we are all equipped at salvation. I believe it is high time we stopped drinking the milk of the word of God and desired a great big steak. Be learners of the word so you know what is acceptable to the Lord.
This cathedral was destroyed by the earthquake that shook Haiti in 2010. Beautiful, whitewashed stone, an architectural masterpiece, shaken, fallen, broken, collapsed. Churches built with bricks and mortar, high ceilings, stained glass windows, carpet, and soft pews, that's not what God desires. He desires to take our hearts of stone, this temple of flesh, and make the church. We as a body of believers should be coming together, knitted together, serving, edifying, and discipling one another. We shouldn't be tearing one another down. "If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." Galatians 5:15
The world IS watching, they are watching to see if what you say lines up with what you do. Are you loving like Christ? Look at the little naked boy. Are you feeding him? He's very hungry. That's his mommy holding his hand. Are you willing to help her? Those little boys holding hands, one white, one black. Are you racist? Do you think because someone has a different pigment in their skin they are less than you? Are you helping them?
LOVE......it is what compelled God to send His only son Jesus. Jesus left glory, perfection, and came, lived, walked this earth, He showed us great compassion and mercy. He took up your sin and LOVED you! Love is an action, love is a Christian, love is the Church. Let's love like him today. Be a true reflection of His grace and mercy. Don't just call yourself a Christian act like one! Be a light of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Shine God's perfect love into this dying world. People are getting so calloused to sin, we see it everyday. Abortion is right, having a large family is wrong, seeking worldly wisdom is good, seeking the wisdom of God is evil, homosexuality is okay, saying it's not isn't. Wake up oh man and woman of God! Light your candle and shine..........
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